Longing for a definition...

Hanging on a dream
Originally uploaded by margiana.

My life is calm lately... I enjoy my job, have lots of sewing, pictures-taking, home-decorating, lifestyle improvement, gardening/landscaping, and other more projects.
I feel at ease with me, with who I am.

I am practicing gratitude in the highest sense of the word. I notice a lot of lucky things around me and this attitude fills up my heart with unexpected joys.

But at the very bottom of my heart there's an annoying feeling.
It is a little black hole. It is where all the trash is.
I am not speaking of the worries for the future or of my concern for the world's sufference or for the environmental situation... no, no, those are all things that go together with the "gratitude-thing" or at least with the "hope-for-an-improvement-thing".
I am talking about all the things that are already trash but I feel incapable to bring to the garbage can.

Mostly I am talking about persons.
Persons who have been in my life and are truly not in it anymore.
Persons who I deeply loved and cared for, who I shared my life with, who cherished me and cuddled me in the moments of needs, and a lot more.

The thing is that I feel those persons are holograms in the meaning of "a flat surface that, under proper illumination, appears to contain a three-dimensional image. A hologram may also project a three-dimensional image into the air—a lifelike image that can be photographed although it cannot be touched".

"A flat surface that appears to contain a dimensional image into the air". This is exactly what I see when I meet these people.

I try to interact with them, to keep the conversation going, to suggest topics, but.... I feel I speak to an hologram. I try to touch them and all I find is a flat surface.

That makes me debate on my own judgement capacity.
Have they always been like this? An hologram? Did my imagination worked so well? Did I interacted with so many imaginary friends?
What happened?
Did those persons changed?
Maybe they have always been real persons and only later, they have been contacted by aliens who sucked their personality and changed them into holograms?
Am I living for real?
........??????

I am not sure they are able to listen, I am not even sure they see me. Sometimes they are in my same room but I feel like a carpet or a shelf.
It's all about form, about ceremonies. It's all because of the past... of the past relationships. Of the fact that since we shared so much together we KNOW each other. It's because of the umbilical cord that hasn't been totally excised.

Affection, fondness, love.

But what when you miss the connection?

I lost the connection. That connection. And I still feel guilty for it.

Even if it's not my fault at all.

I feel guilty because I think I still have a lot of things to share... but not with the "flat surfaces".
I feel guilty because I am joyfull and active with my thoughts...
I feel guilty because I know there's so much to do for our society and they do not even live in it;
I feel guilty because I know there are so much to learn and to teach, to fight and to take care of... and maybe because I simply feel... and they don't!