The Journey

Flower power
Originally uploaded by margiana.

... every night, before falling into the dreamland, I would love to transform my thoughts in written words so that I could update my friends and loved ones on my everyday life... but the sleep catch me suddenly and the thoughts and desires just fade away without my will...
The update could be short if I tell you that Gilda is growing, she's now crawling and is already standing up by herself leaning on the sofa and looking superhappy for this new conquer. I could also tell you that she's a good girl, rarely crying and having good sleep and eating a lot....

But of course those are the thing that happen to most of her age collegues...so I guess I am not saying much also because I can't speak for her :-)

What I can say is that 7 months ago it was a life ago and I was still preparing the bags for this trip but, as the best trips I did in my life, I was not prepared at all.
Just like when Andrea and I left to Mexico... I had a guide, I prepared my backpack with some medicines, a couple of t-shirts and trousers, underwear and sunscreen... and a little copybook, and during the trip I found out that the fact that I did not organized anything allowed me to be surprised for every step I was taking.
Everyday is a surprise and I am a different person.
No matter how much I "worked" to mould myself as the image I had of myself for all those past years; no matter how much I wanted to stick with that image...it now always changes.
I am a sleepy woman and later a careful mama and then a healthy cook...later I struggle with pedagogy and build toys... I sing lullubies and while the baby sleeps I clean, iron, sew and read.
..and I am not Wonder Woman, I am just an ordinary mom.

But the most difficult part of this all, is not catching up with the things to do and the timing... but working on my emotions.
Emotions.
I do not care if the house is not clean or if the toys are on the way to the bathroom... but I must deal with this tempest of emotions that invade my contour line.
Gilda takes a special sigh every morning when she wakes up... a sigh that lets me know that she's ready for a new adventure... and that sigh gives a little shock to my heart because I would love to be ready to the new adventure with the same boldness she shows.
...and there we go.... a new day is born and so the space for a new discovery.
I often see the world from another perspective now. I find myself looking from the ground to the ceiling ... and this is something I've never did... and there everything is different.
...a touch, a smile, a sound, a look... it all makes me feel different.
In a way it's just like when you fall in love. Emotions overwhelm you and sometimes it's difficult to hold them.
I smile, cry, sigh, get angry... constantly...changing the order of these emotions but never losing one of them... I mix them and shake them inside of me... but these emotions and lot more are packed inside just like in a drink shaker.
I am lucky. I feel lucky. I have a lot of love and health.... and I am willing to travel without being too much organized... this leaves me space to experiences and emotions.. that won't ever be nice and happy but nevertheless experiences and emotions.

...and yes, I didn't want to transform this blog into a mama journal but I was another person and going trough another trip when I used to think like this... I now guess that I won't help if not posting news and pics about this new journey.

Induction

Today I had the 41st week fetal control and everything is perfect. Baby Gilda is doing good, she has plenty of liquid to swim in and I have rare contractions. By the way the hospital wants me in because their therapeutic protocol is that at 41 week+1 day the labor must be induced.
I save you all my protests for this thing but at the very end I had to surrender to the system.
Tomorrow morning I will check in the hospital and we'll see if prostaglandin and oxytocin will do their job in a day or two.
The thing that I really don't like is that I will have to spend my labor in the hospital room, sharing my pain and intimacy with some other woman I don't know... and Andrea won't be with me until the real labor (when my womb will be 3-4 cms wide).

In the meanwhile, today I did everything in my power to help Gilda come out naturally... Andrea stayed at home from work and we "spent" some time together, than took raspberry leaves extract drops, and we walked all the way up to San Luca which is some 3.5kms to go and the same to come down.
At this point I just have to finish to prepare the bag for the hospital and try to sleep and save energies for tomorrow.

The next post will be with my baby! So weird!

Denial

This morning I woke up with a strong headache, and a backpain and a pain in my hip. Of course, since I am 8 months pregnant it's all NORMAL, and I can't complain because something incredibly beautiful will come out of me.

Before showering I weighted myself and found out strange numbers appearing on the scale... numbers too high to relate to my actual weight. I stepped down the scale and back on it again but... there the numbers appearing again.

I tried to shower off those bad feelings by standing under hot water for almost 20 minutes... and once out of the shower I felt bad because I know I wasted so much water and energies that all the efforts I undertake during the year to save water and energies have just became useless.

After my breakfast I decided to depilate my legs and groin, and did that but then I found out that my enormous belly prevents me to look where I need in order to complete my task.
I started crying because I found myself so horrible and awkward and not self sufficient and such a burden...and I had to stop because the baby started kicking strongly. And then... I am pregnant after all, isn't it? I have hormones going up and down inside my blood, and that should have an effect on me.

My friend sent me some swaddle blankets and other beautiful things for princess Gilda... and I decided to go on Youtube to see how to swaddle babies... here in Italy I have never seen any baby swaddled. I don't know, we just don't use it.
Anyway, I was watching how to roll up this poor baby and on the sidebar on theright side of the screen appeared a "delivery a baby" thing.
I clicked on it and saw a 3 minutes shot of a delivery. At the end of it I just called Andrea screaming and crying and asking for a parental control on the PC because I don't want to go into those things anymore, even if I am an adult, aware and consenting... but NO, I don't want to deliver this baby.
It's horrible and scary and I know I knew it right from the start but.... why the heck should I?
Can I refuse? Can I use a teleportation machine? Please, someone help me contacting the Star Trek crew... they may have one of those somewhere!!!

Later I decided to lose my thoughts into cross stitch. I have to finish a bib I started months ago. Meanwhile I switched on the TV and there was an old episode of Sex and the City and I thought it could have been a good idea to watch something about girls who talk about sex and fashion but no... it was all about denial.
Miranda need a bigger house for her family and found the perfect home in Brooklyn, but she doesn't want to move in Brooklyn, she's a Manhattan girl!
Samantha has cancer and is losing her hair but a wag is not what she'll wear for the red carpet walk for his boyfriend's premiere.
Carrie doesn't think Samantha could actually die from cancer.... and so on.

Outside is still raining, I wish I could just go out for a long black coffee (even if I am not a coffee girl?) with a friend or... maybe a Manhattan?
But no, I'm pregnant and can't do those things. Will I be able to do that again? Or am I simply deny the fact that my life will totally change soon?
I am in denial today!

Italian Political Election.

It's better I do not comment. I feel my country will drown even deeper. No hope for any change. No hope for any improvement. I am disheartened. I feel bad.

Report of a French trip.

Visualizzazione ingrandita della mappa

Yes, back at home. We rested, unpacked the small luggages we took with us, filled the refrigerator with fruits, vegetables and yoghurt, cleaned the house and washed the dirty clothes... and I think I am ready to go back to work on Monday... there is only one problem that will absorb my relaxed soul and put me back into an emotional chaos:Political Election held on Sunday and Monday.
I will talk of it later... as for now, I'd love to tell you what has been this vacation like and what are my thoughts about France, French and surroundings.

Gotta start by telling you that I have only visited Paris before facing this road trip in France, that means we only had our Lonely Planet Guide and the images of some magazines and some of the most deep-rooted preconceived stereotype of the whole Europe.
I must say that I didn't expect to see such beautiful and vast landscape. The spring was blooming with all its most vivid colours. Wisteria covered most of the white-stone country houses, tulips all around, ranunculus, orange, yellow and red poppies, and all sorts of wild flowers...
Fields were planted with young corn plants and wheat but most of the landscape was simply vineyard. Kilometers and kilometers of vineyards. The southern you drive, the smaller are the vines. In the south, expecially in the Camargue region the Mistral wind is very strong and the vine are smaller so to be less exposed to the wind. In that area, the fruit-trees and the vine are protected by lines of tall trees (poplar or cypress) on the sides.
Camargue is incredible! It's right at the River Rhone delta and it is a wildlife national park. It's flat and it's a mixture of marshland and water. Here we saw lots of flamingoes and wild white horses browsing on the same fields of the black bulls of Camargue. It is very impressive.
Arles, Saint Rèmy en Provence, Aix-en-Provence... everything recall Van Gogh and Gauguin and Art in general. Colours and squares and buildings... it's all about that time. All about those pictures. Yellows, purples, violets, light blues, oranges, greens and black... black of the olive trees trunks and of the vines. All tortuous except for the walls of the white stone country houses.
I really loved those places. The weather was our friend. White light of the april sun. Everything was slow... connected to the ground and the earth. It's still a rural area.
Then Montpellier which I really, really liked. An elegant but fun city, a mixture of new town IN an old town. Bars and restaurant everywhere. A very jolly city!
Carcassone was our middle age taste... with a lunch dinner that costed like a suite in a lux hotel:-(
Then Toulouse la rose. In Toulouse I found a little of Bologna... it's a red brick building city, just like Bologna, site of an important University and therefore crowded with young people and pubs.
There we went to visit "la cité de l'Espace"-all about Space and Astronauts... and the site of the Airbus where they assemble the super new Airbus380 and where we sat into the Concorde n.1. It was pretty interesting to me... since I won't probably get to work with any of those big aircrafts like A380 and since I'll never get into a Concorde again.
On the way back home we stopped in Nimes with its beautiful Roman Anphiteather, then Cannes with its fancy-like Boulevard and Montecarlo with the super riches houses.

Well, the trip was great. Andrea and I had a lot of fun by using the McDonald's wireless connection by parking our car right next to the restaurant and things like this.

But I have to say something about people, food and drinks.
-I agree with the fact that French are not the most friendly ever... but it may be because we are Italian... and there are historical issues not to mention the sport issues like the Soccer World Championship Award that we proudly won against them hihihihi :-)
-Other than this... French coffe is one of the worst thing I have ever drink. So now I know that every country claims it coffe to be the best. Italians think their espresso is the real coffe, American know their coffe is the best of the world, the same do the south Americans, and Turkish coffe or the Greek coffe is the best of the world... but, even if French have tradition of famous Cafés, places where they drink, eat and interact with others... those places shouldn't be famous for their coffe.
-French brioches are totally butter. I think they use just butter and probably some flour but mostly butter. That means I don't like French brioches.
-Le café au lait has nothing to do with our cappuccino.
-French cuisine is terribly heavy. Heavy in butter and garlic. They cook ducks or other meats in its own fat. Garlic is simply everywhere, they do not eat anything light or simple... meaning that around day 6-7 I was dreaming of a fresh iceberg salad or fruit salad.
We mostly ate sandwiches and salted pie that I love but that were like a brick on the stomach. I had nightmare everynight... even if I didn't have a whole dinner and just a sandwich.
I have to say that I don't eat a lot of meat because I cook for a vegetarian and I don't want to prepare 2 dinners but I have to tell you I stored a lot of meat in my organism that I can last for the whole year.
Remember, France is not a place for vegetarian. Andrea had its hardest time ever to eat. Every salad had ham, chicken or bacon in it. He ate the all time some Sandwich a l'italien (mozzarella and tomatoes) or tart aux trois fromages (3 cheese pie).
-French wine doesn't taste so much better than the Italian one. And I won't add any other comment to it.

Of course it's not all so bad as I painted it. We had a great trip also because:
-their roads are great,
-their hotel chains are simply the best I have ever been in whole Europe: cheap, clean and with all the comforts.
-they are super family friendly or at least they are a lot more family friendly than Italian.
-their cities are very clean and bloomed.
And all the good things I wrote above.
Now... time to rest a little more... I'm still on vacation until Monday morning... and I have to save my energies to face the election battles.. and to be prepared to see the Psycho-Dwarf (Berlusconi) smile again on all the tv, newspaper and magazine.

Finally Sunny!

As you can imagine the weather has a big influence on my life.
And today is S U N N Y. That means that I am simply feeling good and full of energies.

• went to work and came back unharmed;
• ate quickly but healthy;
• cleaned the house;
• almost finished with the washing machine;
• ready to go shopping for food (we've got friends over for dinner...)
• ready to do the check-list for the trip....
• arranged everything for Monocolo and his home-alone-stay;
• booked a Youth Hostel in Nice (even if I'm not that young anymore);
• booked the visit to the Airbus site in Toulouse where I'll see how brand new Airbus 380 are put together;
• RRTG (Really Ready To Go)... one more day and then VACATION!

yoooohoooo! Can't wait until Monday!

Strike a pose!

Strike a pose!
Originally uploaded by margiana.

I've got good Angels in my life!
I've got old friends with whom I share grudges and memories of a past life or acquaintances with whom I entertain small talks.
I've got new friends, people who wants to know me or are interested in my 'world', those who see me as a good girl, those who always criticize me, those who I listen to and those who patiently listen to me.
I've got friends who read me and those who I read or others who share a cup of tea every once in a while.
Those I never talk to but can read my heart no matter what the physical distances are... and those who facilitate my everyday life in a practical way! In this last category I can put my 'Spice-Friends' in the picture.
I just got back home from a Spice-Fondue-Bourguignonne-dinner they organized to celebrate my b-day. It was fun because you keep dipping those small meat bits into the boiling oil (with a potato inside to avoid the fried oil smell - I can tell you it works!) and then choose the right sauce to dip the cooked meat while chatting about pretty much everything and most of the time laughing!
I loved it. I also had my b-day cake with candles on it and I still have some breath to extinguish them all :-)
Patty cooked a supercake for me that never reached our palate because it fell on the ground of her kitchen and she had to buy one at the confectioner's shop. Poor girl!
I also had a b-day present... a Bread Making Machine that will help me reduce the expenses to buy the bread sold in this italian region and that I don't like... and last but not least... a free entrance to a spa, included infusion drinks, thalassotherapeutic and thermal baths, relaxing room and musictherapy plus a cranium-sacral massage called Oriental Kerara that sounds so relaxing!
What can I ask more? My life is wonderful and I've got plenty of Angels who support me.
My everyday thoughts, prayers and thanks go to you all my FRIENDS who smooth the path of this special journey which is my life!

P.S. :35. This journey keep adding numbers... did anyone found a way to stop it?

Giving my blood away!

I finally did it. I woke up early, Patty my friend picked me up and we both went to the laboratory. I passed the visits and finally I donated my blood.

The blood they took me is going to go to the neonatal intensive care unit. I feel good!

FALLing into you...

FALLing into you...
Originally uploaded by margiana.

Today's windy.
I should rack those leaves... but I am hypnotized by their moves...
... a cup of wild berries infusion, an homemade blueberry muffin, the cat in the basket, the good Radio Città del Capo playing.. and me watching the leaves go by.... feel the Fall...

Colours...

I wake up and watch outside... in the backyard the Parthenocissus quinquefolia is now changing colour everyday. Every single leaf has a different nuance of red, brown and orange. In the middle of the wall the green-yellowish leaves of the wisteria keep on climbing around. The green grass is now hidden by the foliage. I prepare my dark wildberries infusion and drink it in front of the window looking out at the coloured cherry tree. I get caught by the blues...
Monocolo sneezes and my heart squeezes.
I take out the quilt Julie gave us as a wedding gift... it's coloured!
Fall must be colourful in order to prepare us to live the grey winter...
I feel in one of those moments in which I have to order the mess of colours inside of me so to create more space for others to get in... The world is coloured and to live is beautiful.

Is it a dream?

I was in Santorini with Andrea and had a little walk by my own while he was looking at dolphins from a cliff. I walked some 200 mts from him and the landscape was a lunar-volcanic view but with white earth.
Around me several tourists and local inhabitants... also a seaside holiday camp with a lots of baby girls barely walking because of 2-3 years old, all dressed with pink swimsuite.
I was looking at the sea when a big agricultural machinery crashed dangerously next to me.
I went close to the equipment to see if somebody was hurt but nobody was in.
I started walking away when a big wave, like a high tide started reaching the cliff where I was.
I looked around and it appeared like a normal thing to all... people were walking like if nothing strange was happening while the water submerged them. I was scared after a wave flood over the summer-camp girls, but nobody was really caring.
People started swimming. I followed two old ladies and asked them if there was a path by their way and they said:- 'Yes, 10 minutes walking or 20 minutes swimming', so I followed them until I lost them.
I kept on swimming and it was all normal until... the water faded away and I started walking, finding myself in Stazione Termini (central train station in Rome) in the square where there was my High School. There was no water there but I was soaked through.
I looked like an homeless at that time. I lost my cell phone and everything that was in my pocket, and I did not know how to reach Andrea. So I started looking around for a 200lire coin that I needed to call Andrea from a public phone (note: we do not use Lira anymore but Euro now... so it must have been some years ago).
Of course I did not have any so I started asking around behaving like an homeless asking for charity. Nobody gave me a coin maybe because I kept asking for 200lira????
By the way, I finally entered a shop that I usually go in but nobody recognized me until I found a girl who works as a cachier who decided to give me some coins, but she gave me very small coins like 1-2-5 cents and none of the public phone I went in accepted such a small coins. I didn't know what happened to Andrea.
Then I woke up.
Basically I was not scared or anxious but it was all so surreal that I was really confused.
Is it a dream or reality?

Broken (Elisa)

Hard times flowing and my eyes couldn’t see stars shining
My heart couldn’t feel the beauty of the rising sun
And I’m lost like a bottle that floats in the sea for ever
Will somebody pick up my hope?
Will somebody try?
Will I realize?
’cause it’s broken broken
Something got broken like stolen
Stolen, like if it was stolen
And hurting, hurting I have been hurting and now
Only time will tell
Time will heal
Just pieces of truth thatI chose to keep
No matter if now they are gone
No matter if I am alone
Still I can get back on my feet and walk on
As I know there was something to learn
I know there will always be more worth moving on for
Though, it’s broken broken
Something got broken like stolen
Stolen, like if it was stolen
And hurting hurting
I have been hurting and now
Only time will tell ’cause it’s broken broken
Something got broken like stolen
Stolen, like if it was stolen
And hurting hurting
I have been hurting and now
Only time will tell
I’d love to be one of those colorful early summer days
When everybody is happy that you came
Everybody smiles back at you as soon as your eyes cross their eyes
But something has to happen first
I know winter has to come before it blossoms
So it’s broken broken
Something got broken like stolen
Stolen, like if it was stolen
And hurting hurting I have been hurting and now
Only time will tell ‘cause it’s broken broken
Something got broken like stolen
Stolen, like if it was stolen
And hurting hurting
I have been hurting and now
Only time will tell Time will heal

Washing machine

Have you ever tried to live without washing machine? Maybe you are not crazy like me and the clean clothes... maybe I am just sick... but it is scary how much I depend on that tool.
2 days ago the 12 years old washing machine told me good bye in a valley of tears and now I feel lonely:-(
Yesterday we went to help a friend of us to assemble her Ikea furnitures and I brought with me some dirty clothes... and used her washing machine. By 11pm we already ordered a new one online. I don't know if I'll resist until the delivery.
I feel a little psychotic lately!

Time to do something!

I am still in a cloud of confusion but I'll try at least to move on another one!
Yesterday I did my best to pull out weeds in the front yard and started to hoeg the ground a little since I want to plant some more grass. I shortened the fence and cleaned the ground from the leaves. I did all this while listening to my ipod playing spanish . The fun thing of course was that there was silence around me except for me repeating spanish words and phrases:-)
What else? I'm still babysitting the twins and really really waiting for the new PC.
That's all for now and then.

Enough!

Yesterday we finally got home after the Easter visit to my family.
While driving from Rome to Bologna, over a crowded road, surrounded by the sweet landscape of Lazio, Toscana and Umbria, thoughts and dreams and pictures came to my mind.
The nervous and anxiety of my whole family makes me feel everything else always peaceful.
And I reconsider my life.... always... it's like a 'new year's resolution' everytime I go away from Rome.
I look next to me, and there's Andrea reading about a possible new car to buy (just dreaming for now!), and analyzes the 'greenest' one.
In the back of the car Monocolo bears the travel.
I need to give vent to my thoughts and I drown Andrea under a river of words.

I love Andrea, love him so much. I feel the 2 of us are a 'team'.
I feel we can share our good thoughts.
I love the way we try to be more and more environmental oriented and how we put ourselves in those things... and I feel I can change the world together with him!
I don't need much money;
I want to save some money and stop buying useless things;
I want to share more;
I want to give more;
I want to be happy just because I am healthy and loved and love.
That's enough!