Induction

Today I had the 41st week fetal control and everything is perfect. Baby Gilda is doing good, she has plenty of liquid to swim in and I have rare contractions. By the way the hospital wants me in because their therapeutic protocol is that at 41 week+1 day the labor must be induced.
I save you all my protests for this thing but at the very end I had to surrender to the system.
Tomorrow morning I will check in the hospital and we'll see if prostaglandin and oxytocin will do their job in a day or two.
The thing that I really don't like is that I will have to spend my labor in the hospital room, sharing my pain and intimacy with some other woman I don't know... and Andrea won't be with me until the real labor (when my womb will be 3-4 cms wide).

In the meanwhile, today I did everything in my power to help Gilda come out naturally... Andrea stayed at home from work and we "spent" some time together, than took raspberry leaves extract drops, and we walked all the way up to San Luca which is some 3.5kms to go and the same to come down.
At this point I just have to finish to prepare the bag for the hospital and try to sleep and save energies for tomorrow.

The next post will be with my baby! So weird!

Waiting....

Waiting is hard! I can tell you and I am really not good at it.
The thing is that every morning I wake up and think that it can be The Day... and I am overwhelmed by different and contrasting feelings... joy, fear, terror, happyness and so on.
Can you imagine waking up and thinking that may be the day that will change your life? The day in which your first born child will be born, giving you the worse pain and the greater joy?
So I just end up imagine the whole process of getting into labor and give birth but then I know it's totally useless because things will go in a total different way of my imagination... and puff! everything must go on the way it is.... and I just stare out of the window still wondering if today will be that Day or not! Be patient Germana, be patient!

Same Lesson....

It's always the same lesson and I don't want to learn! How am I so stupid?
Over the years I have always fight with my impatience... and still here I am doing the same thing.
I am impatient to see this little baby, her due date is still not here but it has been weeks that I am waiting for her to come out... without the slight respect for her from my side. I'm rude. I mean she has all the rights to stay in the "world of no needs" for as long as possible... but no, I am curious and she should just pop out!
I talk to her, try to be nice and tell her that I am curious, that I love her, that I wish I could hold her in my arms...but today I could hear clearly her voice... saying in a Roman slang: "Com'on mom... don't stress me out. Don't you know that I will go out when, where and with who I'd love to? Don't you understand you have no power on those things?"...and suddenly it strikes me; I will listen to those kind of phrases more than once in the future.
So again... I am dumb! I don't learn :-(

Big dinner!

Last night I entered a long post about this dinner but Blogger kicked me out!!! So I'll make it short now.
Yesterday I started cooking aroun 2pm and went to bed at 1.30am. Andrea helped me a lot and we had fun althought I was dead tired by the time I reached the bed.
We cooked for 9 (the 2 of us included) and it's something I am not very fond in. I usually cook well for 4-6 persons but for more I am not so comfortable. I'm always afraid the pasta overcooks or the portions are not enough.
By the way, all went perfectly.

Here's the menu:

• Hors d'oevre: diced cheese, tortilla chips with hummus, spicy olives, and spicy nuts... all accompanied with white Prosecco di Valdobbiadene.
• First course: spaghettoni with porcini mushrooms, tomatoes, fried eggplants, sage and basils. Accompanied with red wine Rosso di Montalcino;
• Second course: roast veal with celery, carrots and onion sauce and roasted potatoes accompanied with red Vino Nobile di Montepulciano;
• Dessert: chocolate tenderness cake with wipped cream and Spumante wine.

The dinner was good after all... but a lot of work... considering also the fact that the night before I woke up at 5.30 read until 8, at 9 I went to collect part of my Spice Friends' b-day gift at the beautician by having a manicure (they gave me a gift card to spend at this beautician!!!!)... than came home, eat and cleaned and then started cooking.

Everything else is pretty fine. Gilda moves slowly now that is getting bigger... my belly leavens everyday... I have the feeling I am going to explode. Last night, after dinner I had this feeling that my button-belly was going to uncork!!! But still no signs...

It rains! Again....

Searching for signs.

It's incredible how impatient I am. I am so curious to see my baby at this stage!
Every morning I wake up and listen to my body carefully in search of signs that will show me the way of the big event. I don't find anything. Later I move the curtains and look outside in search of other signs... no signs so far.
I keep on talking to the little human being in my womb and she keeps moving... swimming in this "no-needs world" and I think I understand why she doesn't want to come out! Outside is grey and it is starting raining... yesterday was so sunny and brisk... but she doesn't know about all this. She just wants to enjoy every single moment of a state that will never exist again. How can I blame her! So I keep on caressing my belly to let her know that I am here... just waiting for her. Ouff! more weeks to go!

Waiting...

Grey rainy day again!
I woke up after a restless night, turning from one side to the other trying to find the right position for a belly full of liquid and inhabited by a baby.
I tried to do my best to infuse me a good mood.
I had the longest shower with the finest aromatherapy soap, oiled my belly at best.... and had my latte with a slice of sweet bread and some ricotta spread with homemade (mom) chestnut cream. This is one of my favourite thing.
I got on the computer to try to get back to my emails and stuff but... I feel empty.
Not really since my belly looks like it has to explode from one moment to another but empty in the sense that I am exhausted.
Tired physically and emotionally... just swinging from a feeling to another... from happiness to fear, a thousand time in a minute. I am just ready to pass to the next tiring stage.. to the moment in which I will be able to hold the little baby and be tired for the sleepless night and the aching nipples and the worries for everything. I just wish I could change my mood. I am not hungry but have to eat, I am not thirsty but have to drink, need to take the vitamins. I wish I could go out for a walk but it's damned grey and rainy and muddy everywhere, I feel ugly and fat, I don't want to watch television and the radio on Sunday is horrible.
I would love to read but then fall asleep, I need to embroider but then I get tired of it because it's a long thing to finish and can't see the end of it.
I am restless.
Grey rainy day pass away!

Snow!

After a sleepless night where I read the second-last edition of Internazionale, I decided to wake up from bed at 6.20. I took a sample of Monocolo's urine to test and Andrea took it to the vet hospital (everything under control... we're just checking how his kidney stones are doing!).
I took the longest hot shower possible. I had a cup of milk and bread with my mom's chestnuts cream on it. Checked the internet and went back to bed from 9 to 11. At 11 Andrea called me saying that it's snowing. Snowing????? I can't believe it. Yesterday it was such a glorious sunny day and today it is snowing? I rushed outside to cover the plants... and yes, it's snowing for real!
So I cooked a minestrone (vegetable soup) and had that warm looking out the window to the snow flakes coming down.
It's so good today to stay at home... warm and fuzzy.

Back to Rock 'n Roll!

The sun is shining again, my dad left to Rome and I feel good again!
Scared but good.
Yesterday I went to visit a labor room in the hospital near my home (which is not the one where I planned to deliver but... nobody knows.And I could clearly hear loud screams from the nearby rooms... I was almost fainting!
By the way... today is a Red Hot Chili Peppers day. Gilda is dancing!

Denial

This morning I woke up with a strong headache, and a backpain and a pain in my hip. Of course, since I am 8 months pregnant it's all NORMAL, and I can't complain because something incredibly beautiful will come out of me.

Before showering I weighted myself and found out strange numbers appearing on the scale... numbers too high to relate to my actual weight. I stepped down the scale and back on it again but... there the numbers appearing again.

I tried to shower off those bad feelings by standing under hot water for almost 20 minutes... and once out of the shower I felt bad because I know I wasted so much water and energies that all the efforts I undertake during the year to save water and energies have just became useless.

After my breakfast I decided to depilate my legs and groin, and did that but then I found out that my enormous belly prevents me to look where I need in order to complete my task.
I started crying because I found myself so horrible and awkward and not self sufficient and such a burden...and I had to stop because the baby started kicking strongly. And then... I am pregnant after all, isn't it? I have hormones going up and down inside my blood, and that should have an effect on me.

My friend sent me some swaddle blankets and other beautiful things for princess Gilda... and I decided to go on Youtube to see how to swaddle babies... here in Italy I have never seen any baby swaddled. I don't know, we just don't use it.
Anyway, I was watching how to roll up this poor baby and on the sidebar on theright side of the screen appeared a "delivery a baby" thing.
I clicked on it and saw a 3 minutes shot of a delivery. At the end of it I just called Andrea screaming and crying and asking for a parental control on the PC because I don't want to go into those things anymore, even if I am an adult, aware and consenting... but NO, I don't want to deliver this baby.
It's horrible and scary and I know I knew it right from the start but.... why the heck should I?
Can I refuse? Can I use a teleportation machine? Please, someone help me contacting the Star Trek crew... they may have one of those somewhere!!!

Later I decided to lose my thoughts into cross stitch. I have to finish a bib I started months ago. Meanwhile I switched on the TV and there was an old episode of Sex and the City and I thought it could have been a good idea to watch something about girls who talk about sex and fashion but no... it was all about denial.
Miranda need a bigger house for her family and found the perfect home in Brooklyn, but she doesn't want to move in Brooklyn, she's a Manhattan girl!
Samantha has cancer and is losing her hair but a wag is not what she'll wear for the red carpet walk for his boyfriend's premiere.
Carrie doesn't think Samantha could actually die from cancer.... and so on.

Outside is still raining, I wish I could just go out for a long black coffee (even if I am not a coffee girl?) with a friend or... maybe a Manhattan?
But no, I'm pregnant and can't do those things. Will I be able to do that again? Or am I simply deny the fact that my life will totally change soon?
I am in denial today!

Not Speaking in my name!

Even if I am not American I followed the campaign for the election of the US President as well as the election of Mr Obama. I listened to his speeches and I liked it a lot.
I heard him saying that US is still the Country where everything's possible and that

"Americans sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection
of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of
America"

I was very happy to hear a politician talking about Hope and Change... but also about higher ideals that can be applied to everyone without exceptions of race, gender, religion and so on... at the same time I felt an empty space in my heart because I soon realized that no Italian politician will ever be able to pronounce such speeches... not even to bring up issues regarding ideals or such. We are not united, we are not a People but single individuals fighting against who think and is different.

After all our PM Berlusconi did it again and has no shame for his "jokes".
There are a lot of Italians that do not feel represented by this moron and I am happy at least because I am not alone.

Ultrasound

Today we had the third and last ultrasound.
Gilda is doing fine by drinking a lot of amniotic fluid while the doctor was taking the ultrasound.
Her head is already upside down (I don't know how she can handle 2 more months like this:-)), and she weights about 3.850lbs (1,750 kg) that will be around 7lbs (3,200kg) when she'll be born which is good.
I cried when I heard the heartbeat and when I saw her face. I am now sure my life will totally change in a couple of months.

Rain

I forgot how depressing a rainy day is.
Today is one of those, rainy, rainy, grey, depressing, rainy days.
I will go hide under the comforter together with my cat!

Chestnut time!

Chestnut foliage
Originally uploaded by margiana.

Andrea and I spent the week end at my mom's hometown and went to pick up chestnuts.
There was also my mom and brother there and we spent the whole Saturday afternoon in the woods.
The weather was fine... not sunny but the perfect temperature. Moreover the long walk and the effort (at least for me) to bend forward several times to pick up the delicious chestnuts made me sweat and breath like if I was running the marathon. But it was all worth it!
On Sunday we spent the day in another small town nearby where a village festival of the chestnut was held.... do I have to tell you that I ate an incredible amount of roasted chestnuts so that later I had to drink some 3 liters water in order to feel a little detoxicate... but still big as a gigantic baloon?
Today I am back to normality (that means an average baloon) and feel good.
Fall is really here. I am at home sewing things for a friend of mine. Which is not so bad after all. :-)

Gilda is in this Striped Balloon!

Stripes baloon.
Originally uploaded by margiana.

Yes, Gilda is my daughter's name! And this morning I had to see her with a short ultrasound that my gynechologist performed just for my own curiosity. She's the perfect size for her 28th week of life and is way overactive!
I went out of the ambulatory and was very happy to know everything is proceeding just fine.
For dinner we had a piadina with mozzarella, tomatoes, basil and olive oil and some great salad I bought last Saturday at the farmer's market.
After lunch I harvested the basil and prepared some Pesto alla Genovese! mmmmmmm I love it. I freezed some of it to taste in the next months.
I also finished to cook an apple cake for my Ukrainian nextdoor neighbour. She is so nice, everytime she goes back to Ukrain she brings me caviar or some good local things. She's so sweet!
But later I will cook a cake for Andrea and me too... blueberry and nuts... the odd thing is that I am not loving to eat sweets since I'm pregnant, but I love to prepare them. Good for my weight!

The cradle of love!

The cradle of love!
Originally uploaded by margiana.

I am now back in Bologna, and I accomplished a lot of things in Rome.
First of all I enjoyed the last days of sun on the beach by taking long walks, smelling salty air and walking in the cold, clear waters of a September sea... That was so relaxing and refreshing!
Than my mom and I finished our cradle projects and came out a success... at least for our expectations which were kind of low. We also sewed the little comforter. Oh I wish I could just take a nap into this cradle... inside is soft and warm!
Other than this... I had a beautiful walk in old Roma city center. I came hope exhausted but I enjoyed probably the last walk ALONE in the places I love the most. I walked through the Vatican City, over Ponte Sant'Angelo, throught Borgo Pio until Campo de' Fiori... and then from there to Piazza di Spagna passing through Piazza Navona and Piazza del Pantheon, Via del Corso and Via Frattina...
It was a beautiful day and I loved it!

It takes two.

New Birki
Originally uploaded by margiana.

Yesterday was our Second Wedding Anniversary and I can't believe time pass by so quick. But I like it until now.
It seems that's yesterday that I was kinda nervous for the wedding and now I am kinda nervous for my baby girl to be born!
Next year we'll be in 3.
We didn't do much since Andrea is still fighting his fever but we went to church in the morning and to Sana in the afternoon to see if something interesting was on... We went there at 5 (and it closes at 7) and thanks God we didn't pay (we had free tickets) because most of the operator were dismantling the expositors. We were kind of mad because we didn't get there to see them going away.
By the way I bought a new pair of Birkenstock with a special fair discount, and I am happy with this!

Other news: I am officially the new nurse of my group of friend. My friend came out of the hospital and needed injection and I gave her 2 yesterday and she said I've got angel hands. mmmm I doubt I did the injection in the right buttock where she may have some tingling feeling :-)

Bees around a flower

Bees around a flower
Originally uploaded by margiana.

One of the fetus of the previous post is gone. Gone. Just gone.
The family is in pain and the hope for this new life is gone with him/her. No words.

My friend has a cervical hernia and will hopefully feel better soon... well, as soon as they will decide what to do with it... but it will take time.

Still I will pray for my other friend's baby, and keep the hope burning.

Meanwhile I can just look at this bib and the bees around the flower...

Lucky.

I have always had the feeling of being lucky and after I met Andrea this feeling grew into certitude.
But there are days when I really feel that lucky plays such an important role in my life that I almost feel guilty for so much in my way.
Yesterday I spent the whole morning at the hospital to support my friend who has been hospitalized because she has a tingling feeling in her right leg who is now raising up to her right arm. Nobody knows what's up with her and today they're going to have a cervical MR and tomorrow they're going to sting her in her back to take a sample of her cerebrospinal fluid. Then she'll have to stay in a bed for another day and they will start some sort of cure.
After that I went with another friend of mine at lunch and went around to buy another friend's b-day present.
This friend is pregnant at her 22nd week, exactly 4 weeks less than me. And now she and her husband just found out that a rare form of hernia diaphragmatic that is growing inside her baby. That means that her baby will have a major surgery right after she will be born and that the chances of living are not high.
She's living the hell out of her happy life... and I feel I am powerless.
I also found out that another collegue of mine who is pregnant too (we are 5 to be pregnant at the moment) has a problem with her fetus too.
I can't believe that 2 out of 5 pregs have major problem with their babies... isn't it a very high percentage?
So now... there's pretty nothing I can do to help those people to feel better. I can only pray my God to help them. Maybe you too may pray your God or your belief or simply send some positive thoughts to those persons.
Thank you.

Mountain, sea, city and back to the sea...

Mom and I
Originally uploaded by margiana.

Here I am again.
I am just going up and down through Italy, and I am actually enjoying it!
I went to Colle for my cousin's wedding. Had to work most of the time because in this little village, weddings are really HUGE. The night before the wedding there's a big party, a serenade where the whole village goes... usually it is under the bride-to-be house and the family offers to drink and eat to everybody. So basically I had to prepare a lot (really a lot) of panini with all sort of homemade salami, roasted pigs and prosciutto (all things I can't eat because of the possible toxoplasmosis)... later I helped the bride to prepare the luggage, than to put the flowers in the right places and such things. I was exhausted.
The next day the wedding! Oh what a HUGE thing. The church was crowded and the restaurant was incredibly big. The food was simple and super good.
Everything went alright. But I was really tired.
My mom, brother and I decided to have a small walk the next day and so we did... I made my usual encounter with local poisoning vipers but after all we had a good time breathing pure and fresh air. Except that I was so slow walking, that I don't know how my mom and bro were able to deal with it. I would have lost my patience!

Instead of coming back to Bologna I decided to go to Rome with them. There, my other cousins lended me a beautiful wicker cradle. I didn't like the decoration so my mom and I decided to buy the padding and the fabric and decided to dive into this tailoring project. It tooks us 2 days to finish it but we still have to do the "soft top".
I think it will look just great since it will be a lot closer to my tastes!

Andrea came to visit in Rome for the week end and took me back to Bologna.
I think that next monday I'll go back to Rome to finish the cradle project and some knitting thing my mom and I are doing.... I am actually trying to knit a little hat, while my mom is doing the blanket, and other things.

The house is still a mess since we need to buy a new furniture for the bedroom where to put all the baby things.. and even if I am not buying anything now... I don't know how it's possible that we already have 2 boxes full of little clothes and stuff for the baby girl. My mom started washing all the little clothes my brother and I used to wear and there are some that are still BEAUTIFUL.
I am still not aware of what kind of gift I'll receive for Christmas :-)
I know I am very lucky...

Summer fall!

So now... we did the second ultrasound and it was so much fun to see the little baby girl again. She has everything she needs and all in the right places, and I am a lot relieved now.
I am doing good and energetic and this is a great thing since everything around me is falling apart and I am the only one able to put pieces together.

Andrea and I got back from Rome and Andrea had some cough and back pain. On Monday, after the ultrasound, we had to rush to the doctor because Andrea was not able to walk properly anymore... the pain in the back was too much and the normal analgesic was not enough. The doctor prescribed a bunch of injections of analgesic and other cortisone-based drugs for the back pain (he has one or more herniated disc) and some drops and antibiotics for the cough since it looks like he has a thing in his lungs that may start pneumonia.
Two days ago I drove for 100kms to take Andrea to an hospital where they could make a Magnetic Resonance. He was totally in pain and the doctor had to give him 2 shots of very strong analgesic and later put him on a wheelchair to undergo the exam. We'll have the results in a week. We should also find a doctor to visit him but sounds like they are all on vacation in some exotic island on a private yatch.

Yesterday Monocolo (the cat) stopped peeing. And I know that this is a really bad thing. So after I've been around the whole morning for gyno visit, and other burocratic practices for work and grocery shopping... I took Monocolo to the veterinary hospital (since his vet is in vacation), they gave him a couple of shots, gave him an ultrasound and said that if he was not going to pee in the next 24 hours we had to bring him back to the hospital and hospitalize him so they can put a little catheter to help him.
I basically did not slept the whole night monitoring Monocolo and his visit to the box. At 5.30 he finally peed!!!

So no mountains for now... I need to go there on the 30th of August anyhow because one of my cousin is getting married. But I wanted to go there a little earlier so to have a walk on the beautiful mountains around there... but it's not the case since all the things happening...
I hope that in 10 days I will still fit in the outfit I have so that I don't have to spend useless money for an ugly maternity dress.

I hope today is a good day. Lots of good day wishes for you!!

Do you want to talk about maternity clothes?

Creepy Pacgirl at 21st week!
Originally uploaded by margiana.

It's official... I don't fit in my normal trousers anymore. I usually have very very large trousers in my wardrobe but I had to give up and got into one of those maternity dress shop. I was disgusted. Fashion is nothing accepted by mom-to-be...
I have been very proud of my not gaining too much weight (I must thank the nausea of the first months and now the gastric reflux for not allowing me to indulge in every food in sight)... but now I am starting looking like a little whale... and I feel I will soon look like a big one.
At this point I guess some pregnant women do feel the same as I do. So now somebody must explain me why the only trousers I found (except those jeans I'm wearing) were all pink, yellow or light green fabrics... not to mention orizontal stripes t-shirts and things like this.
I don't think I'll ever be able to get dressed like a gigantic hot-air balloon even if I'll look like it anyhow.
I am frustrated with that silly topic but those are other difficulties of pregnancy.

So now... I am basically using those trousers and another one I am still able to fit in, plus a couple of large dress.... I'm curious how I'll dress next.

I am sorry for the repetition of the basic topic.
I just got back from a week in Rome where we laid on the hot beach and tried to relax a little.
In the next 3 days I have blood exams, ultrasound and gyno visits to undergo... than I'll probably drive to the mountains to breath a little fresh air.

IT'S A GIRL!

Week 20th!

I can now start the countdown. I am getting into the 20th week of pregnancy and can think in terms of weeks left.
I feel like I have been pregnant for a whole year until now... but I hope I'm going downhill from now. I really hope!

I'm growing...

I'm growing...
Originally uploaded by margiana.

I didn't want to upload this picture because it's an horrible picture, then I had to admit that it is not the picture itself but the subject!

I'm growing! Growing larger and bigger, older for sure and maybe also growing a little more in spirit.
Despite the regression of the first 3 months I now feel a certain spurt.
In the first months I was really feeling just a weird Thing... a sort of wrapping for "Something" I wasn't able to see or feel or even imagine. I was into the hormonal storm and that made me feel awful. I couldn't read, listen to music, go outside freely... it wasn't me anymore.
Now... it's still not me. And I think that so it will be for the rest of my life. It will be another me. For now it's a bigger me: bigger boops, belly, emotions, tears, feet and such.
I feel my heart is getting bigger because I am sure there will be a lot to put in soon.
But I saw the little baby and can feel it without thinking I have a little alien in my belly, and that makes things a little different.

I had the amniocentesis on the 15th of July and will get results on the 11th of August, when other than knowing if our baby is ok chromosome speaking, we'll also know the sex.
My mom come over to Bologna to help (since I had to rest for a couple of days). She made me so much Shiatzu massage that now that she's gone I'm missing her and her hand deadly. She's really spoiling me. The fridge is full of food that we'll eat without cooking for the next week.

So now I should read all those books and magazines about babies but I am not ready yet and makes me feel sick. For now I am devour the weekly newsmagazine Internazionale.. and some other political booklets... hoping the baby will come out a sort of revolutionary in this weird world... but since sons are always totally different from parents he/she will probably became a slaves of this sick system... of course I try to do my best not to! :-)
So now I go reading an article about the dying bees all over the world!
Sorry for the picture but some of you may want to be updated!

An Ok day!

Here I am, back in Bologna!
Back home! And today I am feeling good. I am almost scared to say it but at the end I'd love to scream it loud: I AM DOING GOOD TODAY!!!!

Today I had a lot of energy... if I had up the energies of every single days of those last 17 weeks probably I won't reach the level of today... that makes me feel happy!
I don't know if it will last also tomorrow and I decided to seize the day and do what I can in every moment... then, when I'll be exhausted I rest.

And today I woke up early, watered the backyard, cut the fence in the frontyard, cleaned the house, ironed a pile of clothes in the backyard, cooked for lunch, actually ATE lunch, slept, had a snack... I repeat had a snack, talked to Sarah on Skype and now I am cooking again for dinner.

It may sound weird from me... but the accent I put on food and on the fact that I am eating is because I am never hungry... and for those who know me it's really really weird.

That's all for today... the lesson is "One thing at the time" so here I am enjoying today!

It's not the Caribbean but....

Me waiting for a fruit juice!
Originally uploaded by margiana.

Ok so now... I am still fighting with stomach problems but no more vomiting. I know that those kind of details are of no interests for all... but just in case you want to know how I am feeling.
Other than this, 2 nights ago I spent the night with the eyes totally open, no way to sleep... headache and stomachache were killing me so that at 6.30 I put the swimsuit and decided to go to the beach. My mom wanted to join me and we had a beautiful walk on the seashore early in the morning. It was only us, a bunch of old persons and the jogging freaks.... enjoying the beautiful calm and clean sea of the morning. We walked for an hour and ended up to have breakfast to a small bar on the beach.
I still was in pain phisically but at least my head was empty of thoughts... the backwash took them away and cleaned my synapsis.
The pictures doesn't give me justice... I am not so fat!!!!!
But I enjoyed the best fruit juice of the last 4 months, maybe because it was the first I drank in the last 4 months :-)

Censorship!

Finally I am able to read something. Unfortunately in my dark days at home vomiting, I wasn't even able to read. So I took with me in Rome a bunch of Internazionale, my favourite newsmagazine, and I am now able to update on the world's political, social, science, cultural latest.
I am reading about Lebanon and its almost civil war, about McCain, about Italy and its rising racism, about the eruption of vulcan in Oriental Java in June 2006 and about Mikheil Saakashvili the Georgian President.
Other than this I am reading about our new political situation and the power of Mr Berlusconi and his properties of television channels and newspapers that invariably bring to a selection of news... which in my opinion can recall censorship.
Censorship is something that is out of my personal beliefs... of course I grew up in a democratic country (or at least I have always believed so) where freedom of speach and expression has been in the Constitution.
During the '80s we were pretty Americanized here in Italy... Springsteen and "Born in the USA" was the soundtrack of a life stretched out toward the freedom of an American Lifestyle, of a self made man, of a freedom of being whatever you want without social restrictions and conventions. Madonna was wearing everything she wanted and Cyndi Lauper was dressed up and made up in the colours she wanted.
I thought that US was the place where everybody could just do whatever you wanted to.

During the years my thoughts changed and often I found out that old Europe was much more open minded than the new continent and had to formulate again my ideas of emancipated women or social conventions.

Not more than one week ago I was speaking with a friend of mine who, other than being a great Person is also an Artist, living and working in California.
She's pretty much into the Art Council of her community and is interested in letting people getting more and more in touch with any form of Art, being it sculpture or painting or whatever can be considered so.
And she told me that she has been a victim of this censorship... that I could not believe possible until she sent me this article and I remained with my mouth open.
If any of you is interested in the topic I invite you to read and leave comment (if interested of course) in the Ventura County Star article but also in my Friend's reply.
Critics are always welcome!

Summer at the sea!

It's a century I can't enjoy such a long vacation as I am doing in those days and maybe it will be the last one of my entire life!
I feel like I am back in the old school days when 3 months of summer vacation started around mid-June and finished in September.
I am not in the position of planning anything but I'll probably spend the next 2 weeks here in Rome with my parents.
Bologna is the hottest city of Italy in those sunny days and Andrea comes back home around 7pm. I am not in the mood of cooking anything and my blood pressure is too low and doesn't help me going out on my own. So I packed and took the train to Rome.
Here it is more windy (because of the sea which is less than 1 mile from my home) and there's always something cooked... most of it superhealthy food. Lately my stomach is trying to maintain more food and expecially is allowing me to finally eat some fruits that I was really craving for.
My nausea is still killing me but the sight of the sea relieves me stress and anxiety. Yesterday my mom and I went to the beach around 6pm and had a long walk on the seashore and I then jumped in the sea and had a long bathe. It was so beautiful! The sunset was colourful, the water warm and the seagulls were flying over our heads.
I almost forgot how relaxing is to live on the sea. I must really think of it!
Gotta go relaxing a little more :-)

I wish...

I wish I could write interesting things on the visit of your President Bush here in Italy having fun with Silvio Berlusconi or while he open his mouth visiting the ancient palace or such...
I wish I could write good sentences on the garbage that is invading the streets of beautiful cities like Neaples or Palermo and how the organized crime is involved in all this.
I wish I could write of the last good movie at the cinema or of the last book read... but....
I am focused on the struggle of waking up in the morning with an horrible nausea... or on how to handle the super low blood pressure that keeps me out of any healthy walking or activity of any sort... I am focused in trying to eat something that is good for me and at the same time that is not going to finish into the sewage in a nano-second...
I am focused in trying to let the time pass while doing nothing. I am fixing the ceiling of the living room and thinking of the importance of life and of all that is involved from the cradle to the grave... of course nothing too funny!

On the 18th of june we'll have our first ultrasound hoping that it will help to connect to the little creature that is growing inside of me...
then, I will be able to think about other things... hopefully!

I'm not lost...just confused!

I am afraid I'm starting getting boring.
I don't have a lot to say since it's more than 2 weeks that I am buried at home.
There are ups and downs but mostly downs since my nausea is killing me. Nausea and vomit. That's my swing... from the couch to the bathroom and viceversa.
Today is a little brighter.
Yesterday I went to the acupuncturist and this time he left me a couple of pins in my right ear... and this morning I have been overactive. I cleaned the house and cooked a cake and also ate it with some milk. UNBELIEVABLE.
Of course now I'm burned off but I hope I'll recover.

My friends, I am afraid you cannot expect anything interesting from me... I can only relate on those small improvements on my boring life...

A visit from Mom.

My Mom came to visit for 4 days. The house is clean, the fridge is full of healthy and delicious things to eat for weeks, the garden is perfect, the clothes are all ironed and perfectly folded in drawers and wardrobe and I feel a little better.
Is this what I'll became? Will I be such an infinite resource of help, love and affection? Will I be so caring and comforting? Will I be able to do so?

Nothing fun until now!

Nothing fun until now... I am feeling sick every moment of the day.
While in the class for the new job I risked to fall asleep thousands of times.
I talk to other collegues who have been through pregnancy before and they all
expose the whole crown of teeth in smiles and dreamy faces remembering their
wonderful experiences... so my only hope is that it must happen something that
will make me forget about my nowadays miserable state soon.
I am just looking forward to it!

Breaking News!

There's a draft of human being in my womb! Gulp! :-)

Italian Political Election.

It's better I do not comment. I feel my country will drown even deeper. No hope for any change. No hope for any improvement. I am disheartened. I feel bad.

Report of a French trip.

Visualizzazione ingrandita della mappa

Yes, back at home. We rested, unpacked the small luggages we took with us, filled the refrigerator with fruits, vegetables and yoghurt, cleaned the house and washed the dirty clothes... and I think I am ready to go back to work on Monday... there is only one problem that will absorb my relaxed soul and put me back into an emotional chaos:Political Election held on Sunday and Monday.
I will talk of it later... as for now, I'd love to tell you what has been this vacation like and what are my thoughts about France, French and surroundings.

Gotta start by telling you that I have only visited Paris before facing this road trip in France, that means we only had our Lonely Planet Guide and the images of some magazines and some of the most deep-rooted preconceived stereotype of the whole Europe.
I must say that I didn't expect to see such beautiful and vast landscape. The spring was blooming with all its most vivid colours. Wisteria covered most of the white-stone country houses, tulips all around, ranunculus, orange, yellow and red poppies, and all sorts of wild flowers...
Fields were planted with young corn plants and wheat but most of the landscape was simply vineyard. Kilometers and kilometers of vineyards. The southern you drive, the smaller are the vines. In the south, expecially in the Camargue region the Mistral wind is very strong and the vine are smaller so to be less exposed to the wind. In that area, the fruit-trees and the vine are protected by lines of tall trees (poplar or cypress) on the sides.
Camargue is incredible! It's right at the River Rhone delta and it is a wildlife national park. It's flat and it's a mixture of marshland and water. Here we saw lots of flamingoes and wild white horses browsing on the same fields of the black bulls of Camargue. It is very impressive.
Arles, Saint Rèmy en Provence, Aix-en-Provence... everything recall Van Gogh and Gauguin and Art in general. Colours and squares and buildings... it's all about that time. All about those pictures. Yellows, purples, violets, light blues, oranges, greens and black... black of the olive trees trunks and of the vines. All tortuous except for the walls of the white stone country houses.
I really loved those places. The weather was our friend. White light of the april sun. Everything was slow... connected to the ground and the earth. It's still a rural area.
Then Montpellier which I really, really liked. An elegant but fun city, a mixture of new town IN an old town. Bars and restaurant everywhere. A very jolly city!
Carcassone was our middle age taste... with a lunch dinner that costed like a suite in a lux hotel:-(
Then Toulouse la rose. In Toulouse I found a little of Bologna... it's a red brick building city, just like Bologna, site of an important University and therefore crowded with young people and pubs.
There we went to visit "la cité de l'Espace"-all about Space and Astronauts... and the site of the Airbus where they assemble the super new Airbus380 and where we sat into the Concorde n.1. It was pretty interesting to me... since I won't probably get to work with any of those big aircrafts like A380 and since I'll never get into a Concorde again.
On the way back home we stopped in Nimes with its beautiful Roman Anphiteather, then Cannes with its fancy-like Boulevard and Montecarlo with the super riches houses.

Well, the trip was great. Andrea and I had a lot of fun by using the McDonald's wireless connection by parking our car right next to the restaurant and things like this.

But I have to say something about people, food and drinks.
-I agree with the fact that French are not the most friendly ever... but it may be because we are Italian... and there are historical issues not to mention the sport issues like the Soccer World Championship Award that we proudly won against them hihihihi :-)
-Other than this... French coffe is one of the worst thing I have ever drink. So now I know that every country claims it coffe to be the best. Italians think their espresso is the real coffe, American know their coffe is the best of the world, the same do the south Americans, and Turkish coffe or the Greek coffe is the best of the world... but, even if French have tradition of famous Cafés, places where they drink, eat and interact with others... those places shouldn't be famous for their coffe.
-French brioches are totally butter. I think they use just butter and probably some flour but mostly butter. That means I don't like French brioches.
-Le café au lait has nothing to do with our cappuccino.
-French cuisine is terribly heavy. Heavy in butter and garlic. They cook ducks or other meats in its own fat. Garlic is simply everywhere, they do not eat anything light or simple... meaning that around day 6-7 I was dreaming of a fresh iceberg salad or fruit salad.
We mostly ate sandwiches and salted pie that I love but that were like a brick on the stomach. I had nightmare everynight... even if I didn't have a whole dinner and just a sandwich.
I have to say that I don't eat a lot of meat because I cook for a vegetarian and I don't want to prepare 2 dinners but I have to tell you I stored a lot of meat in my organism that I can last for the whole year.
Remember, France is not a place for vegetarian. Andrea had its hardest time ever to eat. Every salad had ham, chicken or bacon in it. He ate the all time some Sandwich a l'italien (mozzarella and tomatoes) or tart aux trois fromages (3 cheese pie).
-French wine doesn't taste so much better than the Italian one. And I won't add any other comment to it.

Of course it's not all so bad as I painted it. We had a great trip also because:
-their roads are great,
-their hotel chains are simply the best I have ever been in whole Europe: cheap, clean and with all the comforts.
-they are super family friendly or at least they are a lot more family friendly than Italian.
-their cities are very clean and bloomed.
And all the good things I wrote above.
Now... time to rest a little more... I'm still on vacation until Monday morning... and I have to save my energies to face the election battles.. and to be prepared to see the Psycho-Dwarf (Berlusconi) smile again on all the tv, newspaper and magazine.

Back home!

After 2467km and lots of food in our bellies and lots of beautiful places in our eyes... we are back home safe and sound.
More in the next hours/days.

Lunch in Montpellier

Lunch in Montpellier
Originally uploaded by margiana.

This morning Andrea had a lunch with some guys from Dell, the computer company and I spent the morning by myself, walking and touring and eventually having lunch in a small restaurant in the beautiful square of St. Roche. Nothing more to say than the fact that the shrimps I ate were delicious and so the dessert.
I had time to do my reports on the trip and to enjoy a glass of wine.
This city has a special charme...a mixture of antiquity and modernity.
I really liked it.
Tomorrow Carcassonne and Toulouse.

Les fleurs

Les glicines
Originally uploaded by margiana.

Until now it has been all about flowers and colours... we've started our trip from Nice where we spent a jolly evening at the youth hostel and a great breakfast!! Other than this we toured the old city and its faboulous market. We later drove to Aix-en-Provence and Arles where we spent 2 nights. Arles it's a small town with lots Roman ruins. From Arles we drove to St. Remy-en-Provence and Avignon.
Yesterday we drove through the Camargue and visited Les Saintes Maries de la Mer and Aigues Mortes. Very impressive.
We finally reached Montpellier. More in the next days

Finally Sunny!

As you can imagine the weather has a big influence on my life.
And today is S U N N Y. That means that I am simply feeling good and full of energies.

• went to work and came back unharmed;
• ate quickly but healthy;
• cleaned the house;
• almost finished with the washing machine;
• ready to go shopping for food (we've got friends over for dinner...)
• ready to do the check-list for the trip....
• arranged everything for Monocolo and his home-alone-stay;
• booked a Youth Hostel in Nice (even if I'm not that young anymore);
• booked the visit to the Airbus site in Toulouse where I'll see how brand new Airbus 380 are put together;
• RRTG (Really Ready To Go)... one more day and then VACATION!

yoooohoooo! Can't wait until Monday!

Action!

I almost finished to read the Southern France Lonely Planet Guide... and I think we're going to have a pleasant laid back trip on the road. I only hope the weather will be more clement than it is here in these days.

I spent those 2 days off cleaning the house, taking care of the lawn that is not growing (due probably to the low temperatures) and relaxing, reading and planning the trip.
But I still feel I am tired.
This morning I woke up and was talking to Andrea who was preparing to go to work. Something was really strange... and I am not talking about me seing Andrea preparing for work (which is already strange enough since I usually wake up 2 hours before him) but ... I am talking about my sight. Yes my sight. I could see clearly Andrea and all the other things around me without my glasses.
Oh my! There it was me with no need of glasses? no more myopia? What the heck! I almost screamed to the miracle (even if I don't know what Saint could have been so nice to me)... I jumped off the bed and start looking at things around me, went to the window and could see clearly all the small leaves of the plants growing.... Oh my.... I was astonished... until I went to the bathroom and looked carefully to my eyes where I found my contact lenses! Bleahhhhhh
I couldn't believe I went to bed with my lenses on. It's the first time in my life... in 22 years that I wear contact lenses. Ouf... I really must be out of center to do such things.

After the joy for a life without myopia, and the worry for a life without my cornea (for possible demages of a sticked contact lenses) I decided today was the right day to start my first lesson of YOGATODAY and so did I. One hour long yoga will hopefully rehabilitate my day.
I work in the afternoon... let's see what other demage I'll cause and to whom.

Spring? or not Spring...

I've been feeling busy lately. It's not that I have been busy but it's the feeling that kept me frentic.
I feel like I have to do thousands of things... and I keep going around but I do not really DO things but only think about them.
This really makes me feel tired. Also the spring that comes and go and tricks my mind.
In the morning I ride my bicycle to work dressed like if it's winter: the long-sleeves shirt, the pullover, the windcheater, the goretex jacket and scarf. Around 10 I have to take out the windcheater, the goretex jacket and the scarf.... an hour later I wish I could wear a bikini. Then the wind starts and I have to put back on the windcheater... it's like a game: take this out, wear this on and so on.
By the way.... I think it's vacation time. It's been a whole year since our Mexican vacation. Since then I did not had a day of vacation. Now I have the first 2 weeks of April to relax.
I have to do some things at home... but I want a little touring so I just bought the Lonely Planet Guide to Southern France and will start reading it now.
We are thinking of one week/10 days tour... somewhere in the southern hills of France... visiting ancient towns, drinking good wine and eating delicious french food. It's always, always about food for me!
Gotta start reading.

Nothing important!

I'm still alive. Everything is ok. I am only tired and cold and tired. Nothing more to say.

Relax!

I just redeemed a b-day present. The day at the spa with the Oriental Kerara massage.
I am like a jelly.... my muscles are butter and I feel like in a dream.... floating.
It is such a beautiful feeling...
I would have liked to see my face while entering the warm pool, or while under the hands of the masseuse.
Oh what an afternoon!
I MUST do it more often.

Longing for a definition...

Hanging on a dream
Originally uploaded by margiana.

My life is calm lately... I enjoy my job, have lots of sewing, pictures-taking, home-decorating, lifestyle improvement, gardening/landscaping, and other more projects.
I feel at ease with me, with who I am.

I am practicing gratitude in the highest sense of the word. I notice a lot of lucky things around me and this attitude fills up my heart with unexpected joys.

But at the very bottom of my heart there's an annoying feeling.
It is a little black hole. It is where all the trash is.
I am not speaking of the worries for the future or of my concern for the world's sufference or for the environmental situation... no, no, those are all things that go together with the "gratitude-thing" or at least with the "hope-for-an-improvement-thing".
I am talking about all the things that are already trash but I feel incapable to bring to the garbage can.

Mostly I am talking about persons.
Persons who have been in my life and are truly not in it anymore.
Persons who I deeply loved and cared for, who I shared my life with, who cherished me and cuddled me in the moments of needs, and a lot more.

The thing is that I feel those persons are holograms in the meaning of "a flat surface that, under proper illumination, appears to contain a three-dimensional image. A hologram may also project a three-dimensional image into the air—a lifelike image that can be photographed although it cannot be touched".

"A flat surface that appears to contain a dimensional image into the air". This is exactly what I see when I meet these people.

I try to interact with them, to keep the conversation going, to suggest topics, but.... I feel I speak to an hologram. I try to touch them and all I find is a flat surface.

That makes me debate on my own judgement capacity.
Have they always been like this? An hologram? Did my imagination worked so well? Did I interacted with so many imaginary friends?
What happened?
Did those persons changed?
Maybe they have always been real persons and only later, they have been contacted by aliens who sucked their personality and changed them into holograms?
Am I living for real?
........??????

I am not sure they are able to listen, I am not even sure they see me. Sometimes they are in my same room but I feel like a carpet or a shelf.
It's all about form, about ceremonies. It's all because of the past... of the past relationships. Of the fact that since we shared so much together we KNOW each other. It's because of the umbilical cord that hasn't been totally excised.

Affection, fondness, love.

But what when you miss the connection?

I lost the connection. That connection. And I still feel guilty for it.

Even if it's not my fault at all.

I feel guilty because I think I still have a lot of things to share... but not with the "flat surfaces".
I feel guilty because I am joyfull and active with my thoughts...
I feel guilty because I know there's so much to do for our society and they do not even live in it;
I feel guilty because I know there are so much to learn and to teach, to fight and to take care of... and maybe because I simply feel... and they don't!

Physical decadence

Finally yesterday I've been able to choose another Family doctor, since the other one was really not professional. Basically I spent my day at this new ambulatory which is not bad at all.
The new Doctor visited me, auscultated my lungs and wrote down a certificate that says I can't go to work for at least one week and prescribed more antibiotics and syrups and things like this.

So this morning I stayed at home and so will I until the 5th of february, which is good for my health but not for my projects! Andrea's b-day is on Saturday and I had plans... but I have to change them now.
I don't know how it is overseas but here, if you call sick from work, you need your doctor certificate and you will be paid but then you must stay at home from 10am to 12am and from 5pm-9pm. That's because the company you work for can send you a visit of its doctor to see if you're really sick! That prevents me to go anywhere.
By the way... this morning I had to go to the pharmacy. I woke up with a weird backache and challenged to get dressed, but when I step into the trousers, well my back fail the support and I fell on the ground with a terrible pain in my lower back.
After a time to recover... I tried again... but... I can't hold myself upright! I started laughing and eventually coughing, that worsened my back pain.
I feel an old witch!
Maybe I am.
Fabiola (my friend) came to visit and took the prescription. This afternoon she'll be back to chat and support.
My friend always told me I am older than my biological age, but I always thought they were talking about my spiritual ME... now I am sure they talk about my physical decadence!

One of those bad days!

Complaining... it's so easy today!

• Didn't slept well.
• Woke up too early.
• Foggy and cold weather.
• Started coughing while on the bike to work.
• Worked while coghing in the fog.
• Back and changed to go out for lunch with boring and noisy girlfriend (except for one) with shrill voice (Sarah, you know what I mean).
• Prepare the bread machine before going out. Look around, the house and the garden are a mess.
• Headache comes with the cough attack and the too light conversation.
• I also have to assist a shopping session... and run out of the shop to buy a book.
• Go back home to find out that the bread machine didn't worked its ass out as due and the bread did not turned out as wonderful as always but more looking like a little brick.
• Hang out the washing.
• Call the spa to book a massage for Andrea and me. On Saturday is Andrea's birthday and part of the present should have been an entrance to the spa with a massage... but Saturday there are no masseurs available anymore. It sucks!!
• Search for Andrea's present on the internet but.... ack! couldn't find what I am searching for!
• Depression arises!
• I think to go to bed but then remember I promised Andrea I would have cooked 'pasta e ceci' (pasta and cheakpea) but it will take too much time and I'd rather take a shower and go to sleep.
• I should also iron clothes and I'd love to start a new sewing project but I won't do any of this.
• Cellphone rings. What the heck runs in my mind while I answer this phone call????????
• I nod and say "yes, yes, sure, you're right, i think so, yes it may be so, i don't know, i can't help you with this, i don't think so, yes, sure, you're right..... mmmmh, mmm, yes, i can see your point, uhu, maybe it's like this....." for more than one hour.
• My battery level drops dramatically to the last tally.
• Still have to decide if cooking pasta and chickpeas is a good idea. Andrea will be back late.
• Cellphone rings again. I think I'm totally stupid and must be masochist while I answer the phone. I keep nodding again and saying "yes, yes, sure, you're right, i think so, yes it may be so, i don't know, i can't help you with this, i don't think so, yes, sure, you're right....".
• I'm exhausted for today.
• I just decided I won't cook pasta and cheakpeas and will just cook some mexican rice which is good also cold so that if Andrea gets home too late, he'll like it anyway. I won't iron clothes, nor will clean the house. I'm just going to take a shower, make a chai (Sarah's recipe without allspice which I still can't find anywhere and with a detanninated tea) and read a little before starting snoring... and coughing.
• Forgot... I need to do my inhalation therapy before going to bed. :-(

Political crisis

Prodi loses the Senate vote. Italy is without a Government right now.
I am worried for the stupid and shortsighted political climate in Italy.
This really sucks!

Grey sky

I am sick again... such a strong cough and flu and fever. I am reading...
war, invasions, revolutions, religions, ethnic groups, ethnic minorities, death, birth, family, friendship, traditions, violence, child abuse, women abuse, human rights, refugees, pain, strokes, poverty, extreme poverty, mud, dust, rain, sun, hot, humid, frontiers, borders, mountains, deserts, inequity, power, politics, social status, luck, misfortune, landmine, anti-men mine, rockets, women, children, men, good men, bad men, egoism, money, male-shauvinism, cultures......

I am not feeling good at all.