Waiting...

Grey rainy day again!
I woke up after a restless night, turning from one side to the other trying to find the right position for a belly full of liquid and inhabited by a baby.
I tried to do my best to infuse me a good mood.
I had the longest shower with the finest aromatherapy soap, oiled my belly at best.... and had my latte with a slice of sweet bread and some ricotta spread with homemade (mom) chestnut cream. This is one of my favourite thing.
I got on the computer to try to get back to my emails and stuff but... I feel empty.
Not really since my belly looks like it has to explode from one moment to another but empty in the sense that I am exhausted.
Tired physically and emotionally... just swinging from a feeling to another... from happiness to fear, a thousand time in a minute. I am just ready to pass to the next tiring stage.. to the moment in which I will be able to hold the little baby and be tired for the sleepless night and the aching nipples and the worries for everything. I just wish I could change my mood. I am not hungry but have to eat, I am not thirsty but have to drink, need to take the vitamins. I wish I could go out for a walk but it's damned grey and rainy and muddy everywhere, I feel ugly and fat, I don't want to watch television and the radio on Sunday is horrible.
I would love to read but then fall asleep, I need to embroider but then I get tired of it because it's a long thing to finish and can't see the end of it.
I am restless.
Grey rainy day pass away!

Longing for a definition...

Hanging on a dream
Originally uploaded by margiana.

My life is calm lately... I enjoy my job, have lots of sewing, pictures-taking, home-decorating, lifestyle improvement, gardening/landscaping, and other more projects.
I feel at ease with me, with who I am.

I am practicing gratitude in the highest sense of the word. I notice a lot of lucky things around me and this attitude fills up my heart with unexpected joys.

But at the very bottom of my heart there's an annoying feeling.
It is a little black hole. It is where all the trash is.
I am not speaking of the worries for the future or of my concern for the world's sufference or for the environmental situation... no, no, those are all things that go together with the "gratitude-thing" or at least with the "hope-for-an-improvement-thing".
I am talking about all the things that are already trash but I feel incapable to bring to the garbage can.

Mostly I am talking about persons.
Persons who have been in my life and are truly not in it anymore.
Persons who I deeply loved and cared for, who I shared my life with, who cherished me and cuddled me in the moments of needs, and a lot more.

The thing is that I feel those persons are holograms in the meaning of "a flat surface that, under proper illumination, appears to contain a three-dimensional image. A hologram may also project a three-dimensional image into the air—a lifelike image that can be photographed although it cannot be touched".

"A flat surface that appears to contain a dimensional image into the air". This is exactly what I see when I meet these people.

I try to interact with them, to keep the conversation going, to suggest topics, but.... I feel I speak to an hologram. I try to touch them and all I find is a flat surface.

That makes me debate on my own judgement capacity.
Have they always been like this? An hologram? Did my imagination worked so well? Did I interacted with so many imaginary friends?
What happened?
Did those persons changed?
Maybe they have always been real persons and only later, they have been contacted by aliens who sucked their personality and changed them into holograms?
Am I living for real?
........??????

I am not sure they are able to listen, I am not even sure they see me. Sometimes they are in my same room but I feel like a carpet or a shelf.
It's all about form, about ceremonies. It's all because of the past... of the past relationships. Of the fact that since we shared so much together we KNOW each other. It's because of the umbilical cord that hasn't been totally excised.

Affection, fondness, love.

But what when you miss the connection?

I lost the connection. That connection. And I still feel guilty for it.

Even if it's not my fault at all.

I feel guilty because I think I still have a lot of things to share... but not with the "flat surfaces".
I feel guilty because I am joyfull and active with my thoughts...
I feel guilty because I know there's so much to do for our society and they do not even live in it;
I feel guilty because I know there are so much to learn and to teach, to fight and to take care of... and maybe because I simply feel... and they don't!

One of those bad days!

Complaining... it's so easy today!

• Didn't slept well.
• Woke up too early.
• Foggy and cold weather.
• Started coughing while on the bike to work.
• Worked while coghing in the fog.
• Back and changed to go out for lunch with boring and noisy girlfriend (except for one) with shrill voice (Sarah, you know what I mean).
• Prepare the bread machine before going out. Look around, the house and the garden are a mess.
• Headache comes with the cough attack and the too light conversation.
• I also have to assist a shopping session... and run out of the shop to buy a book.
• Go back home to find out that the bread machine didn't worked its ass out as due and the bread did not turned out as wonderful as always but more looking like a little brick.
• Hang out the washing.
• Call the spa to book a massage for Andrea and me. On Saturday is Andrea's birthday and part of the present should have been an entrance to the spa with a massage... but Saturday there are no masseurs available anymore. It sucks!!
• Search for Andrea's present on the internet but.... ack! couldn't find what I am searching for!
• Depression arises!
• I think to go to bed but then remember I promised Andrea I would have cooked 'pasta e ceci' (pasta and cheakpea) but it will take too much time and I'd rather take a shower and go to sleep.
• I should also iron clothes and I'd love to start a new sewing project but I won't do any of this.
• Cellphone rings. What the heck runs in my mind while I answer this phone call????????
• I nod and say "yes, yes, sure, you're right, i think so, yes it may be so, i don't know, i can't help you with this, i don't think so, yes, sure, you're right..... mmmmh, mmm, yes, i can see your point, uhu, maybe it's like this....." for more than one hour.
• My battery level drops dramatically to the last tally.
• Still have to decide if cooking pasta and chickpeas is a good idea. Andrea will be back late.
• Cellphone rings again. I think I'm totally stupid and must be masochist while I answer the phone. I keep nodding again and saying "yes, yes, sure, you're right, i think so, yes it may be so, i don't know, i can't help you with this, i don't think so, yes, sure, you're right....".
• I'm exhausted for today.
• I just decided I won't cook pasta and cheakpeas and will just cook some mexican rice which is good also cold so that if Andrea gets home too late, he'll like it anyway. I won't iron clothes, nor will clean the house. I'm just going to take a shower, make a chai (Sarah's recipe without allspice which I still can't find anywhere and with a detanninated tea) and read a little before starting snoring... and coughing.
• Forgot... I need to do my inhalation therapy before going to bed. :-(

Grey sky

I am sick again... such a strong cough and flu and fever. I am reading...
war, invasions, revolutions, religions, ethnic groups, ethnic minorities, death, birth, family, friendship, traditions, violence, child abuse, women abuse, human rights, refugees, pain, strokes, poverty, extreme poverty, mud, dust, rain, sun, hot, humid, frontiers, borders, mountains, deserts, inequity, power, politics, social status, luck, misfortune, landmine, anti-men mine, rockets, women, children, men, good men, bad men, egoism, money, male-shauvinism, cultures......

I am not feeling good at all.

Back to the full-time job!

Is it relax or what?
Originally uploaded by margiana.

This picture represents well what this last month has been for me: relax, total abandon to the pleasure of home and 'family' life, sleep and read and cook...
From december I'll get back to the full-time.
I am happy, since I really need extra money but I still think that we should do something so that in the whole world, everybody could work and then work part-time. It gives you extra energy and extra time. I am sure we'll all have less personal problems and the society will be more just! I know the French understood everything. They work 35 hours a week and they show that this is a possible system!But other than those statements, I can tell you I feel good. The house is clean, the refrigerator is crowded with healthy dishes, the cat is recovering and right now purrs over the turkish carpet. I am listening to the best free radio in town and drinking my mint infusion. What can I ask for? Somebody wants to iron the pile of clothes I am hiding under the bed?

Smile!

Smile!
Originally uploaded by margiana.

You are probably used to read me grumble about everything, from politics to personal complaints... but now you have to know that I feel
TOTALLY HAPPY!
Yes you read it right: TOTALLY HAPPY.... TOTALLY AND FULLY AND GREATLY HAPPY!
I don't know how to explain this but I am HAPPY, I'm afraid to have an HAPPINESS DISEASE. I am uncontrollably happy.
It's like if this permanent contract uncorked me. And now all the extra energies are flowing out. I smile, from the morning to the night... everybody who's next to me is infected by my happy virus...
I don't know what it is. I'd love to control it, to contain... but the smile-grimace is uncontrollable... it starts from the 2 sides and it stretches the mouth from ear to ear.
I feel free... free with not enough money but free... I feel free to go on vacation, to call me sick at work, to think of what I'd love to buy, do and say.
Free to be happy.
I don't know how long it will last. But I want you to know that I am Happy.
So, if tomorrow I will die...or when I will... then you know that I have been clearly, purely, HAPPY... and you will be happy for me!

I still wisper Monocolo is getting better and better :-)

Mediterranean sea bass in a day of anguish!

Mediterranean sea bass in a day of anguish!
Originally uploaded by margiana.

This morning I woke up with anguish in my heart. I had bad dreams in the last 2 nights... would say better NIGHTMARE. I am touched by what is happening in Myanmar and for other things touching our family... Moreover I still don't feel at my 100% and feel weak by the antibiotics cure.
Today I work at the so called 'central shift' which means I start working at 1pm until 9. I hate this shift. It takes me the whole day.
I decided to indulge in bed until 9. After the morning cleaning I went in the kitchen to prepare my infusion of blackcurrant, ginseng and vanilla and put the boiler on fire...
After that I was taken by a superior strenght, wear the apron on and started cutting vegetables...
I didn't mean to cook... not at 10 in the morning... I didn't want to but... something mastered my gestures. Now I can see I cooked a minestrone (vegetable soup) that I also processed in the food processor... and then I prepared, and is now cooking, the sea bass I bought last night!
Now I feel relaxed! But still anguished by this weird event.
The good thing is that, even if my house smells food at 11 in the morning, I have my lunch and dinner prepared and also the veggy soup for Andrea's dinner.
Gotta seat down and read a romance...but I will read Internazionale instead which will make me thing of a lot more other things!

Hands

Hands
Originally uploaded by margiana.

I haven't been able to write on the blog lately... had a lack of inspiration or...worse... a lack of 'sharing-feeling'..but I hope I am 'recovering'.
I spent most of August working and double-working, plus trying to soothe wounded hearts... That's all! No vacation, no days off...
We finally found 2 days to hide far away from here, shut down cell phones, disconnect our brains from everybody around us, and catch the wave of our souls according the wind on the Adriatic sea and the smell of the pines of Sirolo.
We celebrated our first anniversary in peace with the surrounding nature, and with us.
I finally had the time to recharge my batteries swimming in a clean and blue sea and spending time with Andrea.
I feel a little better now, and I am ready to put things in the right place and get prepared for the fall and winter.

Today's mood!

Today's mood!
Originally uploaded by margiana.

The Government crisis gives my mood the tones of black and grey.
I feel imprisoned in a country with uncertain future. The hopes and dreams I keep cherishing are less and less shareable! It's sad! Of course I know I'll keep them alive and I will act following my ideals but it is so difficult when the querrels are constantly coloured by insults and poor respect.
In the afternoon I went the Social Security Office to present my unemployment request (since last year I did not work from jan to march and also almost 1 month between oct-nov. After this experience I decided to enjoy the city but I forgot that today is Thursday and most of the shops are closed.

I am desperately looking for a winter jacket since I just washed my favourite one and it didn't succeed. But I have a bad relation with the sales.

Usually when the sales start (mid-jan) I feel too fat to buy outfits and trousers (Christmas season's fault:-)), then, once I feel a little better I can't find what I need and now it's all about spring.
So no good luck and no new jacket.
But Spring is ahead and I hope that this barbed wire will free me soon!

Lazy days

I have been at home from for the last 4 days. I've been sick. Not THAT sick but sick enough not to go to work.
I cleaned the house and ironed the epic tower of clothes and tried my new sewing machine(yahooooo). Read my magazines and book.
I had enough sleep at night and had time to relax on the couch, I also had time for dreams (usually I don't remember dreams) and loved to have breakfast at home!
Today, I switched on the TV to watch the news and stayed tuned for an hour or so. The preamble is that I only switch on the TV for the news and for a couple of TV series I watch but this afternoon I indulged on the laziness of the day (it's raining outside and it's sort of cold) and zapped a little. It was years I did not watched MTV so I got over it.

That is what I saw:

1) Room Raiders - 1 girl/boy search in the rooms of 3 boys/girls for interesting things...at the end the girl/boy has to choose 1 of the 3 rooms' owners....

2) One boy has to go on a date with 3 mom and then choose one of their daughters. I'm curious if there's one where a girl has to date with 3 dad to choose one of their sons.

3) Sweet 16 - it's how a girl or boy organize their own 16th b-day party spending how many money possible to satisfy their wishes: big discos, expensive clothes, luxurios cars, expensive Djs etc. The parents of the 'today' girl just spent 300.000$ for a b-day party.

I may have been unlucky and maybe MTV promotes also other kind of programs but I found those shows so stupid and disgusting that I kind of understand the decadence period in which we are living.
I am sure there are a lot of boys and girls who do not watch those silly things but I know there are a lot who do and it somehow scares me.

I just shut down the TV... and go back in my world.

Cosa Vuoi Che Sia

Gli occhi fanno quel che possono
niente meno e niente più
tutto quello che non vedono
è perché non vuoi vederlo tu

cosa vuoi che sia

passa tutto quanto
solo un po' di tempo e ci riderai su
cosa vuoi che sia
ci sei solo dentro
pagati il tuo conto e pensaci tu

è la vita in cui abiti
niente meno e niente più
sembra un posto in cui si scivola
ma queste cose le sai meglio tu

cosa vuoi che sia
passa tutto quanto
solo un po' di tempo e ci riderai su
cosa vuoi che sia
ci sei solo dentro
pagati il tuo conto e pensaci tu

chi ama meno è meno fragile

tutti dicono così
ma gli occhi fanno quel che devono
solo tu puoi non accorgerti

e il mondo che ti dice "tu pensa alla salute"
e c'è chi pensa a quello
a cui non pensi tu

e il mondo che ti dice
"tu pensa alla salute"
e c'è chi pensa a quello
a cui non pensi tu

cosa vuoi che sia
passa tutto quanto
solo un po' di tempo e ci riderai su

cosa vuoi che sia
ci sei solo dentro
pagati il tuo conto e pensaci tu

e il mondo che ti dice "tu pensa alla salute"

e il mondo che ti dice "tu pensa alla salute"

Ligabue Cosa vuoi che sia - Nome e Cognome

There's magic in the air....

There's magic in the air....
Originally uploaded by margiana.

It's like blowing wishes in the air. It is such a magical and 'dreamable' thing. Andrea and I one night got out in the garden and started playing with the soap bubble and finished to follow them floating around with childish eyes. That is why I love him so much. He has childish eyes!

This morning I feel gloomy. I woke up and the sky is white. No more fog but ready for snow. The hyacints in the garden are almost blooming and all the bulbs have already their green juicy leaves out of the ground. It's getting colder and winter days are awaited and I am not ready for that after this spring-months. It's just like the seasons are exchanging time... summer-autumn-spring-winter.
I slept until late and then had my breakfast with Elisa playing on the stereo.

One of my dear friend is living her hell out since on Monday she's gonna have a biopsy. Her last smear test had some abnormal results and even if I feel everything is going allright, I can't stop thinking about what she is feeling now. I wish I had the power to clean some of her thoughts off.
Lots of memories of a similar things happened in the past crowd my head. It's not a nice feeling.
The only power I have is the power of prayers and this is what I'm doing. So those bubbles are now lots of prayers send to God...all for her in those days.
If any of you want to join me in praying for her I'll be grateful.
Thanks.

Fog.

Winters in Bologna are usually cold and foggy. This winter is not cold at all, yesterday we had 8°C and it is wierd. But thick fog invades the scenery.
There's no dawn, nor sunset... no moon and stars, only thick grey fog.
Of all the things I got used to living in this region, the fog is something I can't get along with.
It alters my perceptions: muffled sounds, scary shadows, musty smells.
Yes, the smells bothers me as much as the inability to see things clear. I get out around 5am and I don't even worry for what is in front of my bycicle wheels, there's no way I can see anything... the lights of the street lamp, usually very strong, are useless. And the smell... I try to filter it with my scarf that smells of my favourite parfume but still it gets in my nostrils like a subtle ghost and gets in my lungs where I imagine it condensing in polluted water and drowning me.
I bring this imagine it with me the whole day and the mission is try to colour and parfume what remains out of the fog. It's not an easy task and since my physical activities suffer this deprivation of liberty, everything is harder.
Sometimes I feel lost in the fog. I lose every point of reference, I don't know where is north or south or my home or my bike. At work it's destabilizing. I wait for the aircraft to land parked in my place at the stand, than I hear the sound of it, a sound amplified (this time) but can't recognize the type of aircraft (usually I do...I know when there's an MD80. a 737 or an A320 or a small ATR landing)....can't see the light of the Follow Me truck until it's some 10 meters from me... and still don't see the aircraft and then, all of a sudden it appears and can see the big nose of it and it is extremely close!
That makes me think of the sailors and the pirates or of the merchants in the sea. They were brave! Lost in the sea.

Well, it's 3 days my head is aching me terribly. I feel in a ball of glass, can't bear light, nor sounds.
I work, all dressed up from head to toe with double sweaters, special jacket (the only coloured thing), hat, gloves but the head beats every heartbeat.
It's the fog-ghost that doesn't want me to colour the landscape and paints my thoughts of grey and shades of dark.

I shouldn't complain because at least it's not terribly cold but I feel paralyzed by the lack of mobility, the narrow-sight and the colourless landscape.

I need some wind blowing.