OUT, again, AloNe

OUT, again, AloNe
Originally uploaded by margiana.

Yesterday morning I fled from home.
I have been awake until 3 am for Gilda's inconsolable cries... she finally fall asleep and I had to wake up at 7 for her feeding time... after that she got back to sleep.
I was dead tired, devastated but ...Andrea was sleeping and Gilda too.
A flash in my mind and I found myself already in the shower. I got dressed, kissed goodbye Andrea and the little Gilda and started the car.
I switched on the radio and Bruce Springsting was singing "The River", I started to focus... and I slowly realized that... it was the first time since last April, when I got pregnant, that I was out in the world by myself... all alone... no pregnant belly, no baby, no husband, no friends... nobody... just me, myself and I!
It has been a strange feeling. Alone...finally alone.
I had breakfast at my favourite bar and I had a barley cappuccino (that reminded me it's not really me.... or better...it's me breastfeeding!!!) but enjoyed the great cornetto... and read the newspaper.
Later I went to the grocery store to shop for food: it was all so easy and fast, and I was feeling so light.
Then...time expired! It was feeding time again! But at least I knew I was still a person with only one outline!

Yes, everything has changed:
- I gained some more kilos;
- I feel a lot older;
- have more stretchmarks;
- have bigger and milky breasts;
- have to deal with constant backache and cervical pain that leads to major headache;
- I am not free to go to the bathroom or have a shower whenever I want;
- I miss my husband;
- I am reading 3 books at the same time and yet none... maybe I can read a line or two a day;
- everything I do it takes double the time that used to take;
... and I could go on forever...and I am only at the beginning of this adventure.

I enjoyed those 2 hours out by myself but I was missing the smell of my daughter. The smell... this is what I was missing the most!
To make the long story short... even if I loved to be by myself, I know I am not by my only self anymore... I'm not one outline only ... I am now two.. and will be for some time.

I got back home... husband and daughter still asleep... it was Valentine's day... I prepared breakfast and displayed some flowers in a vase... woke up Andrea. Gilda followed...
Andrea had breakfast and so did Gilda.. all together at the same table...sharing Valentine's jelly "hearts".

Meeting someone...

Feet
Originally uploaded by margiana.

When I came out of the Operating Room where I was singing Abba's Mamma Mia and The Power of Love -Frankie goes to Hollywood- (that was on while they were giving me the c-section), I saw Andrea waiting for me outside and then the little Gilda. Andrea gave me the baby and put it in bed with me while they were moving us to the room.
I saw Gilda and no matter how I imagined her during the 9 months... or the expectation I had... I felt like I was meeting a new person.
"New" not in the meaning of newborn but of an unknown person. Just like if I just met someone in the street and we shaked hands and said "Hi, I'm Germana, pleased to meet you!".
I didn't feel like "you are mine"... she looked at me with those 'ancient' eyes... misted eyes who have already seen... wrinkled hands who have already touched and lived feet which have already walked thousands of miles.
I had this feeling of meeting an old-brand-new person. She was there saying... "hey I am already a woman... only small!", she already KNEW!
I hug her to remind her I need her to learn something new of life everyday. I kiss her to make her feel my closeness. I cuddle her to let her feel my affection.
But still she's already a human being by herself. Not self sufficient yet... but very separated.

Changing Rhythm

I don't know if I'll be able to avoid the transformation of this blog into a baby-facts-report.
At this very moment my brain is occupied only by diapers, baby-baths, baby colics, nursing and baby clothes...
The only other thing that fits in it is the Inauguration of Barack Obama as US President.
Within a feeding time and another I am reading a book about how to "Carry" babies... how do different cultures carry their babies... in baby slings or cradles or such.
Meanwhile Gilda is with me in a baby sling... and she's enjoying it so far.
I am content... sleepless but content.

Peace

Peace
Originally uploaded by margiana.

I must say that peace is not so far away.... my mind is totally absorbed by this little human being that gives my spirit, soul and body everything I need.
I can't stop to look at her, talk to her, touch her and relate to her during the whole day and night.
I look at Andrea and still can't believe Gilda is the "product" of our love. She's too perfect!
Of course I am her mother and thus I found her perfect... I know she's probably not...but her smell, her sounds are synphony to my senses.
I don't know if I will ever wake up from this spell... for now I feel totally dull.
The love for Andrea is spreading out like an oil stain. Together we are attending this new adventure that is bringing so much joy.
I know there won't be only joys but for now I keep on staring those perfect lips, hands, fingers, skin, hair, eyes, feet....... non-stop!

Induction

Today I had the 41st week fetal control and everything is perfect. Baby Gilda is doing good, she has plenty of liquid to swim in and I have rare contractions. By the way the hospital wants me in because their therapeutic protocol is that at 41 week+1 day the labor must be induced.
I save you all my protests for this thing but at the very end I had to surrender to the system.
Tomorrow morning I will check in the hospital and we'll see if prostaglandin and oxytocin will do their job in a day or two.
The thing that I really don't like is that I will have to spend my labor in the hospital room, sharing my pain and intimacy with some other woman I don't know... and Andrea won't be with me until the real labor (when my womb will be 3-4 cms wide).

In the meanwhile, today I did everything in my power to help Gilda come out naturally... Andrea stayed at home from work and we "spent" some time together, than took raspberry leaves extract drops, and we walked all the way up to San Luca which is some 3.5kms to go and the same to come down.
At this point I just have to finish to prepare the bag for the hospital and try to sleep and save energies for tomorrow.

The next post will be with my baby! So weird!

Waiting....

Waiting is hard! I can tell you and I am really not good at it.
The thing is that every morning I wake up and think that it can be The Day... and I am overwhelmed by different and contrasting feelings... joy, fear, terror, happyness and so on.
Can you imagine waking up and thinking that may be the day that will change your life? The day in which your first born child will be born, giving you the worse pain and the greater joy?
So I just end up imagine the whole process of getting into labor and give birth but then I know it's totally useless because things will go in a total different way of my imagination... and puff! everything must go on the way it is.... and I just stare out of the window still wondering if today will be that Day or not! Be patient Germana, be patient!

Same Lesson....

It's always the same lesson and I don't want to learn! How am I so stupid?
Over the years I have always fight with my impatience... and still here I am doing the same thing.
I am impatient to see this little baby, her due date is still not here but it has been weeks that I am waiting for her to come out... without the slight respect for her from my side. I'm rude. I mean she has all the rights to stay in the "world of no needs" for as long as possible... but no, I am curious and she should just pop out!
I talk to her, try to be nice and tell her that I am curious, that I love her, that I wish I could hold her in my arms...but today I could hear clearly her voice... saying in a Roman slang: "Com'on mom... don't stress me out. Don't you know that I will go out when, where and with who I'd love to? Don't you understand you have no power on those things?"...and suddenly it strikes me; I will listen to those kind of phrases more than once in the future.
So again... I am dumb! I don't learn :-(

Big dinner!

Last night I entered a long post about this dinner but Blogger kicked me out!!! So I'll make it short now.
Yesterday I started cooking aroun 2pm and went to bed at 1.30am. Andrea helped me a lot and we had fun althought I was dead tired by the time I reached the bed.
We cooked for 9 (the 2 of us included) and it's something I am not very fond in. I usually cook well for 4-6 persons but for more I am not so comfortable. I'm always afraid the pasta overcooks or the portions are not enough.
By the way, all went perfectly.

Here's the menu:

• Hors d'oevre: diced cheese, tortilla chips with hummus, spicy olives, and spicy nuts... all accompanied with white Prosecco di Valdobbiadene.
• First course: spaghettoni with porcini mushrooms, tomatoes, fried eggplants, sage and basils. Accompanied with red wine Rosso di Montalcino;
• Second course: roast veal with celery, carrots and onion sauce and roasted potatoes accompanied with red Vino Nobile di Montepulciano;
• Dessert: chocolate tenderness cake with wipped cream and Spumante wine.

The dinner was good after all... but a lot of work... considering also the fact that the night before I woke up at 5.30 read until 8, at 9 I went to collect part of my Spice Friends' b-day gift at the beautician by having a manicure (they gave me a gift card to spend at this beautician!!!!)... than came home, eat and cleaned and then started cooking.

Everything else is pretty fine. Gilda moves slowly now that is getting bigger... my belly leavens everyday... I have the feeling I am going to explode. Last night, after dinner I had this feeling that my button-belly was going to uncork!!! But still no signs...

It rains! Again....

Searching for signs.

It's incredible how impatient I am. I am so curious to see my baby at this stage!
Every morning I wake up and listen to my body carefully in search of signs that will show me the way of the big event. I don't find anything. Later I move the curtains and look outside in search of other signs... no signs so far.
I keep on talking to the little human being in my womb and she keeps moving... swimming in this "no-needs world" and I think I understand why she doesn't want to come out! Outside is grey and it is starting raining... yesterday was so sunny and brisk... but she doesn't know about all this. She just wants to enjoy every single moment of a state that will never exist again. How can I blame her! So I keep on caressing my belly to let her know that I am here... just waiting for her. Ouff! more weeks to go!

Waiting...

Grey rainy day again!
I woke up after a restless night, turning from one side to the other trying to find the right position for a belly full of liquid and inhabited by a baby.
I tried to do my best to infuse me a good mood.
I had the longest shower with the finest aromatherapy soap, oiled my belly at best.... and had my latte with a slice of sweet bread and some ricotta spread with homemade (mom) chestnut cream. This is one of my favourite thing.
I got on the computer to try to get back to my emails and stuff but... I feel empty.
Not really since my belly looks like it has to explode from one moment to another but empty in the sense that I am exhausted.
Tired physically and emotionally... just swinging from a feeling to another... from happiness to fear, a thousand time in a minute. I am just ready to pass to the next tiring stage.. to the moment in which I will be able to hold the little baby and be tired for the sleepless night and the aching nipples and the worries for everything. I just wish I could change my mood. I am not hungry but have to eat, I am not thirsty but have to drink, need to take the vitamins. I wish I could go out for a walk but it's damned grey and rainy and muddy everywhere, I feel ugly and fat, I don't want to watch television and the radio on Sunday is horrible.
I would love to read but then fall asleep, I need to embroider but then I get tired of it because it's a long thing to finish and can't see the end of it.
I am restless.
Grey rainy day pass away!

Snow!

After a sleepless night where I read the second-last edition of Internazionale, I decided to wake up from bed at 6.20. I took a sample of Monocolo's urine to test and Andrea took it to the vet hospital (everything under control... we're just checking how his kidney stones are doing!).
I took the longest hot shower possible. I had a cup of milk and bread with my mom's chestnuts cream on it. Checked the internet and went back to bed from 9 to 11. At 11 Andrea called me saying that it's snowing. Snowing????? I can't believe it. Yesterday it was such a glorious sunny day and today it is snowing? I rushed outside to cover the plants... and yes, it's snowing for real!
So I cooked a minestrone (vegetable soup) and had that warm looking out the window to the snow flakes coming down.
It's so good today to stay at home... warm and fuzzy.

Back to Rock 'n Roll!

The sun is shining again, my dad left to Rome and I feel good again!
Scared but good.
Yesterday I went to visit a labor room in the hospital near my home (which is not the one where I planned to deliver but... nobody knows.And I could clearly hear loud screams from the nearby rooms... I was almost fainting!
By the way... today is a Red Hot Chili Peppers day. Gilda is dancing!

Denial

This morning I woke up with a strong headache, and a backpain and a pain in my hip. Of course, since I am 8 months pregnant it's all NORMAL, and I can't complain because something incredibly beautiful will come out of me.

Before showering I weighted myself and found out strange numbers appearing on the scale... numbers too high to relate to my actual weight. I stepped down the scale and back on it again but... there the numbers appearing again.

I tried to shower off those bad feelings by standing under hot water for almost 20 minutes... and once out of the shower I felt bad because I know I wasted so much water and energies that all the efforts I undertake during the year to save water and energies have just became useless.

After my breakfast I decided to depilate my legs and groin, and did that but then I found out that my enormous belly prevents me to look where I need in order to complete my task.
I started crying because I found myself so horrible and awkward and not self sufficient and such a burden...and I had to stop because the baby started kicking strongly. And then... I am pregnant after all, isn't it? I have hormones going up and down inside my blood, and that should have an effect on me.

My friend sent me some swaddle blankets and other beautiful things for princess Gilda... and I decided to go on Youtube to see how to swaddle babies... here in Italy I have never seen any baby swaddled. I don't know, we just don't use it.
Anyway, I was watching how to roll up this poor baby and on the sidebar on theright side of the screen appeared a "delivery a baby" thing.
I clicked on it and saw a 3 minutes shot of a delivery. At the end of it I just called Andrea screaming and crying and asking for a parental control on the PC because I don't want to go into those things anymore, even if I am an adult, aware and consenting... but NO, I don't want to deliver this baby.
It's horrible and scary and I know I knew it right from the start but.... why the heck should I?
Can I refuse? Can I use a teleportation machine? Please, someone help me contacting the Star Trek crew... they may have one of those somewhere!!!

Later I decided to lose my thoughts into cross stitch. I have to finish a bib I started months ago. Meanwhile I switched on the TV and there was an old episode of Sex and the City and I thought it could have been a good idea to watch something about girls who talk about sex and fashion but no... it was all about denial.
Miranda need a bigger house for her family and found the perfect home in Brooklyn, but she doesn't want to move in Brooklyn, she's a Manhattan girl!
Samantha has cancer and is losing her hair but a wag is not what she'll wear for the red carpet walk for his boyfriend's premiere.
Carrie doesn't think Samantha could actually die from cancer.... and so on.

Outside is still raining, I wish I could just go out for a long black coffee (even if I am not a coffee girl?) with a friend or... maybe a Manhattan?
But no, I'm pregnant and can't do those things. Will I be able to do that again? Or am I simply deny the fact that my life will totally change soon?
I am in denial today!

Not Speaking in my name!

Even if I am not American I followed the campaign for the election of the US President as well as the election of Mr Obama. I listened to his speeches and I liked it a lot.
I heard him saying that US is still the Country where everything's possible and that

"Americans sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection
of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of
America"

I was very happy to hear a politician talking about Hope and Change... but also about higher ideals that can be applied to everyone without exceptions of race, gender, religion and so on... at the same time I felt an empty space in my heart because I soon realized that no Italian politician will ever be able to pronounce such speeches... not even to bring up issues regarding ideals or such. We are not united, we are not a People but single individuals fighting against who think and is different.

After all our PM Berlusconi did it again and has no shame for his "jokes".
There are a lot of Italians that do not feel represented by this moron and I am happy at least because I am not alone.

Ultrasound

Today we had the third and last ultrasound.
Gilda is doing fine by drinking a lot of amniotic fluid while the doctor was taking the ultrasound.
Her head is already upside down (I don't know how she can handle 2 more months like this:-)), and she weights about 3.850lbs (1,750 kg) that will be around 7lbs (3,200kg) when she'll be born which is good.
I cried when I heard the heartbeat and when I saw her face. I am now sure my life will totally change in a couple of months.

Rain

I forgot how depressing a rainy day is.
Today is one of those, rainy, rainy, grey, depressing, rainy days.
I will go hide under the comforter together with my cat!

Chestnut time!

Chestnut foliage
Originally uploaded by margiana.

Andrea and I spent the week end at my mom's hometown and went to pick up chestnuts.
There was also my mom and brother there and we spent the whole Saturday afternoon in the woods.
The weather was fine... not sunny but the perfect temperature. Moreover the long walk and the effort (at least for me) to bend forward several times to pick up the delicious chestnuts made me sweat and breath like if I was running the marathon. But it was all worth it!
On Sunday we spent the day in another small town nearby where a village festival of the chestnut was held.... do I have to tell you that I ate an incredible amount of roasted chestnuts so that later I had to drink some 3 liters water in order to feel a little detoxicate... but still big as a gigantic baloon?
Today I am back to normality (that means an average baloon) and feel good.
Fall is really here. I am at home sewing things for a friend of mine. Which is not so bad after all. :-)

Gilda is in this Striped Balloon!

Stripes baloon.
Originally uploaded by margiana.

Yes, Gilda is my daughter's name! And this morning I had to see her with a short ultrasound that my gynechologist performed just for my own curiosity. She's the perfect size for her 28th week of life and is way overactive!
I went out of the ambulatory and was very happy to know everything is proceeding just fine.
For dinner we had a piadina with mozzarella, tomatoes, basil and olive oil and some great salad I bought last Saturday at the farmer's market.
After lunch I harvested the basil and prepared some Pesto alla Genovese! mmmmmmm I love it. I freezed some of it to taste in the next months.
I also finished to cook an apple cake for my Ukrainian nextdoor neighbour. She is so nice, everytime she goes back to Ukrain she brings me caviar or some good local things. She's so sweet!
But later I will cook a cake for Andrea and me too... blueberry and nuts... the odd thing is that I am not loving to eat sweets since I'm pregnant, but I love to prepare them. Good for my weight!

The cradle of love!

The cradle of love!
Originally uploaded by margiana.

I am now back in Bologna, and I accomplished a lot of things in Rome.
First of all I enjoyed the last days of sun on the beach by taking long walks, smelling salty air and walking in the cold, clear waters of a September sea... That was so relaxing and refreshing!
Than my mom and I finished our cradle projects and came out a success... at least for our expectations which were kind of low. We also sewed the little comforter. Oh I wish I could just take a nap into this cradle... inside is soft and warm!
Other than this... I had a beautiful walk in old Roma city center. I came hope exhausted but I enjoyed probably the last walk ALONE in the places I love the most. I walked through the Vatican City, over Ponte Sant'Angelo, throught Borgo Pio until Campo de' Fiori... and then from there to Piazza di Spagna passing through Piazza Navona and Piazza del Pantheon, Via del Corso and Via Frattina...
It was a beautiful day and I loved it!

It takes two.

New Birki
Originally uploaded by margiana.

Yesterday was our Second Wedding Anniversary and I can't believe time pass by so quick. But I like it until now.
It seems that's yesterday that I was kinda nervous for the wedding and now I am kinda nervous for my baby girl to be born!
Next year we'll be in 3.
We didn't do much since Andrea is still fighting his fever but we went to church in the morning and to Sana in the afternoon to see if something interesting was on... We went there at 5 (and it closes at 7) and thanks God we didn't pay (we had free tickets) because most of the operator were dismantling the expositors. We were kind of mad because we didn't get there to see them going away.
By the way I bought a new pair of Birkenstock with a special fair discount, and I am happy with this!

Other news: I am officially the new nurse of my group of friend. My friend came out of the hospital and needed injection and I gave her 2 yesterday and she said I've got angel hands. mmmm I doubt I did the injection in the right buttock where she may have some tingling feeling :-)